Jones' JARB's

100. J.A.R.B - Dreaming

2006-07-25T15:15:00.000-07:00

I had a dream the other day. I was walking along some country road, talking to Natalie. And although I can't remember what it was that I said, or what it was that happened, all I can remember of that dream is the feeling that came from it. Somehow, all of my problems became insigificant. Something perfect had happened, something to take away all of my cares. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. It's not that my problems weren't there, it's not that i simply didn't care about them, but it was that one thing, that made them all look so small. Maybe it was only the stars I was walking below that made me feel, so tiny. And maybe it was simply the person I was walking beside, who made me feel, so safe.
Somehow, my troubles seemed to shrink one size, maybe two; or five. But the real truth is that it was only a feeling. Only a feeling that managed to make it all go away. Only a feeling, to do so much. They drive us, take us places. They make things make sense, and make things equally confusing. They take and they give, change and stay the same. Feelings can be awkward, and feelings can be beautiful. Feelings can be anything you want, but you can't change the fact that you should always follow your heart. And let those emotions, let it be lust, hate, regret, sorrow, grief, happiness, excitement, or love, drive you to places you may never have been before. Always follow your heart, no matter what logic tells you.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this one, my hundredth word of advice to all who find themselves reading this. I guess, within this post, and every one before it, and every one that shall come after it; there lies a feeling. One that I hope you can easily find. And maybe, with any luck, you'll follow it aswell. To wherever it may take you. An old friend, or somewhere completely new.
“How we feel a surge of love for a partener but we don't say anything because we're frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship."

Gone

2006-07-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

Gone
back the 22nd.

99. J.A.R.B - Memoirs of a Geisha.

2006-07-08T19:06:00.000-07:00

I’ve been reading the book “Memoirs of a Geisha” by Arthur Golden. It’s a very good book about the life and times of a geisha named Chiyo. “Geisha” the word, simply means artist. And that’s what they were; artists of conversation, of music, dance, and beauty. Geisha entertained men at teahouses, basically party houses, except more formal. This particular geisha has gained a great understanding of the world around her in general, with some top-notch metaphors. And here they are; quotes from the book.

I'll be gone from the 9th until the 22nd, so i'm leaving you with a long one. To satisfy all of your Jarbing needs.

These are from the Pre-geisha days, when Chiyo was just a slave.

- “Was life nothing more than a storm that constantly washed away what had been there only a moment before, and left behind something barren and unrecognizable? I’d never had such a thought before. To escape it, I ran down the path until the village came into view below me.”

- “He lived in a world that was visible, even I it didn’t always please him to be there. I knew he noticed the trees, and the mud, and the children in the street, but I had no reason to believe he’d ever taken notice of me.”

- “That night while lying on my futon, I tried to picture the whole confusing situation from every angle to persuade myself that things would somehow be all right.”

- “I felt as a sore rock must feel after a waterfall has pounded on it all day long.”

- “Yet somehow the thing that startled me most, after a week of two had passed, was that I had in fact survived. I remember one moment drying rice bowls in the kitchen, when all at once I felt so disoriented I had to stop what I was doing to stare for a long while at my hands; for I could scarcely understand that this person drying the bowls was actually me.”

- “Couldn’t the wrong sort of living turn anyone mean?”

- “But I had no time to waste being afraid.”

- “Despite the moonlight, I could see only a sheet of blackness.”

- “I can’t imagine any package that can save a girl from slavery; I had trouble imagining it even then. But I truly believed in my heart that somehow when that package was opened, my life would be changed forever.”

- “I never did manage to reach the house in these fantasies; perhaps I was too afraid of what I would find there, and in any case, it was the trip along the path that seemed to comfort me.”

- “We lead our lives like water flowing down a hill, going more or less in one direction until we splash into something that forces us to find a new course.”

- “I was living only half in Gion; the other half of me lived in dreams of going home. This is why dreams can be such dangerous things: they smoulder on like a fire does, and sometimes consume us completely.”

- “I had been sent to wash some rags one afternoon, when a moth came fluttering down from the sky onto my arm. I flicked it off, expecting that it would fly away, but instead it sailed like a pebble across the courtyard and lay there upon the ground. I didn’t know if it had fallen from the sky already dead, or if I had killed it, but it’s little insect death touched me. I admired the lovely pattern on its wings, and then wrapped it in one of the rags I was washing and hid it away beneath the foundation of the house.”

- “Why, it’s too pretty a day to be so unhappy.”

These quotes are from Chiyo’s days as a Geisha. Her new geisha name becomes “Sayuri”

- “We human beings are only a part of something very much larger. When we walk along, we may crush a beetle or simply cause a change in the air so that a fly ends up where it might never have gone otherwise. And if we think of the same example, but with ourselves in the role of the inset, and the larger universe in the role we’ve just played, it’s perfectly clear that we’re affected every day by forces over which we have no more control than the poor beetle has over our gigantic foot as it descends upon him. What are we to do? We must use whatever methods we can to understand the movement of the universe around us and time our actions so that we are not fighting the currents, but moving with them.

- “We all know that a winter scene, though it may be covered over one day, with even the trees dressed in shawls of snow, will be unrecognizable the following spring. Yet I never imagined such a thing could occur within our very selves.”

- “One afternoon during World War 2, some years after these events I’m telling you about now, and officer took his pistol out of its holster during a party beneath the boughs of a maple tree and laid it on the straw mat to impress me. I remember being stuck by its beauty. The metal had a dull grey sheen; its curves were perfect and smooth. The oiled wood handle was richly grained. But when I thought of its real purpose as I listened to his stories, it ceased to be beautiful at all and became something monstrous instead.”

- “Grief is a most peculiar thing; we’re so helpless in the face of it. It’s like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less, and one day we wonder what has become of it.”

- “I had the sudden insight that nothing in life is ever as simple as we imagine.”

- “In my day we viewed ourselves as pieces of clay that forever show the fingerprints of everyone who has touched them.”

- “Would I really have to take each of my hopes and put them away where no one would ever see them again, where not even I would ever see them?

- “We were like two wet spots in the midst of burning charcoal.”

- “He was a small man; but keep in mind that a stick of dynamite is small too.”

- “Adversity is like a strong wind. I don’t mean just that it holds us back from places we might otherwise go. It also tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that afterward we see ourselves as we really are, and not merely as we might like to be.”

- “I felt I was standing on a stage many hours after the dance had ended, when the silence lay as heavily upon the empty theatre as a blanket of snow.”

- “We had given up our past; this was something that I understood fully, for I had done it myself once. If only I could find a way of giving up my future…”

- “Since the day I’d left Yoroido, I’d done nothing but worry that every turn of life’s wheel would bring yet another obstacle into my path; and of course, it was the worrying and the struggle that had always made life so vividly real to me. When we fight upstream against a rocky undercurrent, every foothold takes some kind of urgency.”

- “How curious it is, what the future brings us. You must take care, Sayuri, never to expect too much.”

- “Sometimes,’ he sighed, ‘I think the things I remember are more real than the things I see’”

- “I cannot tell you what it is that guides us in this life; but for me, I fell toward the Chairman just as a stone must fall toward the earth. When I cut my lip and met Mr. Tanaka, when my mother died and I was cruelly sold, it was all like a stream that falls over rocky cliffs before it can reach the ocean. Even now that the Chairman is gone I have him still, in the richness of my memories. I’ve lived my life again just by telling it to you.”

- “It’s true that sometimes when I cross Park Avenue, I’m struck with the peculiar sense of how exotic my surrounding are. The yellow taxicabs that go sweeping past, honking their horns; the women with their briefcases, who look so perplexed to see a little old Japanese woman standing on the street corner in kimono. But really, would Yoroido [her home town, which she was separated from at the age of 8] seem any less exotic if I went back there again? As a young girl I believed my life would never have been a struggle if Mr. Tanaka hadn’t torn me away from my tipsy house. But now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper.”

-Arthur Golden.

98. J.A.R.B - Breathe

2006-07-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

A tear rolled down my cheek, and I could see it just barely out of focus, resting on the tip of my nose; about to drop. And I smiled. Because I knew that no matter how shaken I was, friends would always be there. No matter how far I fell, someone would always be waiting with open arms to catch me. Just to make me smile, because that makes all the difference. They’d be all the kings’ horses, and all the kings’ men, who would come and pick me up after my fall. And maybe, just maybe; they’d be able to put me back together again.
And don’t forget to breathe. For it’s the little things that get us by; keep us moving. It’s the hello’s and goodbyes, beginnings, endings; pushing us on.

-Jones.

97. J.A.R.B - A short goodbye

2006-07-01T14:26:00.001-07:00

We took chances, risks. We did what we could with what we had left – time. But time, is all gone now.
Thanks, to every one of you, all for the same reasons, and all for completely different, individual ones. Thanks for making that time we had left, into good memories.
And when you boil all of these leftover feelings, all of these thoughts unvoiced, and opinions unheard. When you take what we’ve yet to say, what we’ve yet to do; when you take what we have left; and boil it down into these words we use to say the things we try our very best to say. You’re left with one phrase, on word, which somehow manages to say it all, and leaves it up for interpretation.
“Goodbye”.
We’ll meet again someday.

-Jones.

96. J.A.R.B - Questions

2006-07-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve always found myself wondering, “what if I knew it all?” I’ve always wanted to have all of the answers. Know just what the person beside you is thinking. But it came to me the other day, that it’s all of those questions that keep us going. It’s curiosity that makes us human; and it’s that same curiosity, that killed the cat. Sometimes it’s better just to leave it be; but most of the time, we break that rule. Because we just need to know. And, normally, we do end up with the answer. But; as many before me have said, “its the journey that counts”. It’s that suspense, keeping us on the edge of our seats; that pulls us further into the world. Questions summon us into new things, and sometimes we don’t find what we came looking for; we find something better than that. Sometimes love is found while looking for friendship, seas, maybe even oceans, while looking for a glass of water. Sometimes it’s best not to know, because then we have the opportunity to find out.

So then, the moral of the story is this: never stop questioning, discovering new things. Never stop wondering, because with wonder, there will always be questions, and answers to go along with them. And in these new opportunities coming our way just about now; all we can do is wonder. Then we can find out.

-Jones.

Grad Speech

2006-06-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

This school has done a lot for me. I was really able to find myself here. I think a lot of us have. But now we’ve new horizons, more opportunities and options, and I think this school has done a perfect job of preparing us for our next step.

Change, it’s always happening. It always has been. Life rumbles on; leaving us in its wake. Things we’ve learned; memories, slowly turn into experience; knowledge. I’d like to let you know that you should never lose that knowledge. Never stop remembering. Never forget all of these great times we’ve had. And never lose the person they’ve made you into. Never lose that smile, that laugh. They’re the most important. And always remember those lessons you’ve learned, and the people who taught you them; teacher or not.

We’ve all grown our wings here – now it’s time to fly.
Thanks for the memories, guys.

95. J.A.R.B - Solemly

2006-06-20T11:17:00.000-07:00

Solemnly, we’ll talk of past times, a while from now. Solemnly, we’ll make up rhymes to help us wrap our heads around this change. Solemnly, we’ll all realize what just happened.
On outing day, as we made our way down to my old hometown; Niagara-on-the-lake, memories rushed through my head. I thought of all of those good time I’ve had there; none of the bad stuff. And it came to me, just about right now; that next time I travel up ninth line, see the school again, even more good memories shall come to mind. I’ll think of how this school changed me, all of the people I loved hanging out with, and all of the teachers who taught me more than just words and numbers.
I think that’s the beauty of the human mind; we always manage to keep the good. We always manage to keep the good habits we’ve made, and lose the bad. We can hold on, but we always manage to let go; fly away, into new frontiers. Because we can always remember; I know you’ll never forget.
So, years from now, when you see an old picture lying around, or travel down a familiar road, be it physical or emotional, try and remember all of the good times passed with those good old friends from Fern hill School. I know you’ll smile, because I will too.

-Jones.

94. J.A.R.B - Always

2006-06-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

Always. Always with the endings; futures. Always changing. Can’t stop the rock. Can’t stop the fact that we’re leaving. This is it; time to face what’s been looming overhead for quite some time now. Falling. I’ll be here to catch you; always.
Time to look back at all of those dreams you had. Did you leap? Time to look back on what used to be the best moment of your life. What used to be the best days we’ve ever had. And then we had more. Time to look back on what used to be our future; what used to be our present. Reminisce in the fact that we were there, we’ve done that. Look over those accomplishments. All of the memories, there’ve been a lot. Please don’t tell me this went by “oh so fast”. I think we both know there was more than just talk along the way. More than just words; read between the lines. You should be able to see the love, hate, the laughing, crying. See the tears, see the smiles. See the past, and the future. See those mistakes you made, see the lessons you’ve learned. Look back at who you used to be. See the growth, the beauty that has become of you in these past years. See the good side; for all of our sakes. Please?
Because we care too much to let go. I’ll be sure of that. See those frowns all around? There are smiles to come of them. I’ll try my best to put them there.
Always worrying; that I just may forget. I’ll remember, as long as you do to.
Always.

-Jones.

93. J.A.R.B - Futures

2006-06-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

And never forget. Never lose that sense of wonder you’ve held since the start. Never hesitate to ask questions, never stop learning. Hesitate to take that chance; and risk it all, for timing is everything. Never let go; because you can always find something to hold on to. Futures; there’s always something to come next… wonder what?
The horizon has been defeated; run wild. Take with you what you know; we’ve got a long trip ahead. All of us, we’re in this together. No matter where we are. No matter where we’re headed. Forget the bad; forgive, Hold on to those you keep dear to your heart. Never forget about the lessons you’ve learned; and the memories of those who taught you. Hold on, there’s a lot to learn from the past. We’ve grown a lot, together. We can help ourselves through this; alongside the good friends we’ve made along the way.
Because really, the only constant is change, life just keeps rolling on. No matter how tough this is, no matter how long you cry; the clock continues ticking. So always jump when given a cliff; always fight when given an opponent; always speak up when given a listener. And when life gives you lemons? Make lemonade.
And when you look up at the clouds, when you watch the tonnes of water pouring down on Niagara Falls rocks; when you stare across the snowy peaks of the Rockies; I hope you remember that the world can forget, I hope you realize how insignificant your problem really is, because the rest of the world doesn’t care. But your friends do.
No time to frown. So smile, we all need it.

-Jones.

92. J.A.R.B - Endings

2006-06-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

This world we live in is always changing. One thing ending and another starting. Because nothing stands still anymore. Even the glaciers are moving. Now’s not a time to stand idle. Things are going ahead now; time keeps ticking. You’ve got to do the same. I know I will, have to. The only thing I can see in my way; is getting over the uncertainties. For the past two years my life has been near perfect. Sure; there have been ups and downs, but that’s only normal; changes; are only normal. I look back and I see that through this whole thing; friendships have never been uncertain. I knew someone would always be there for me, no matter who. This is the only thing I worry about. I worry that maybe I won’t fit in at this new school. New people. But then, as I write; I realize that someone will always be listening. This doesn’t change much; just a different setting. I know I’ll still have you guys; no matter how tough things get, we’re still in this together. No matter how far apart, we’re close in a sense that we’re all facing the same storm. And if we bundle up, and hit this head on, we can make it through. At least stay together until skies clear up. Because there will always be brighter days. There will always be the sun above the cloud; all you need to do is fly. The happiness behind the sorrow is the only constant. The only thing that stays the same in this life of ours; it the trusty sun rising once again after all of the dark. There will always be downs, nothing lasts forever; neither does sadness. So carry on, charge ahead; storms die down; I hope your energy never does. Keep on going; I know you can. No matter how hard this is, there’s a beaming sun waiting for us on the other side.
And we always have ourselves; so hold on to that too. Never lose yourself; never lose that contagious smile. Never lose the happy laughter. Never lose the person who’s always waiting to have fun. I enjoy that person; hold on to that.

-Jones.

91. J.A.R.B - Outcomes

2006-06-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

I really thought I'd be crying right about now. But, surprisingly... I'm happy with where I stand. I really thought I’d be speechless. But it seems I’m filled with words of wisdom. I really thought I’d be at a loss. But I’m really smiling. I really think that what I’ve done; is what I wanted to do. I’ve leapt when it was time to jump. I held my tongue when silence was golden. And I yelled when noise was being made. I think I’ve really managed to make the best of this; turns out I really do practice what I preach. But that’s not what’s important. I really thought I’d be sad to see you go; but now I know it was all for the better. I really thought I’d be able to get through this. I think I can, as long as you’re there too. We’ll stay in touch; because that’s what friends do.
I realize now that life for me has all been about opportunities. It’s always been about hesitation; a bad habit I got rid of a while ago. It’s all about taking what you have now and making into what you’re going to have in the future. It’s all about holding on. It’s all about letting go. It’s all about timing. It’s all about letting it go. It’s times like these, and times like those. Action; reaction. Cause and effect.
In a sense; life is all about living it. No matter how you choose to.
I really thought I’d need to tell you. So I did.

-Jones.

90. J.A.R.B - Control

2006-06-06T04:30:00.000-07:00

And then we lost control, you can’t stop the madness now. Nothing to do but sit back and watch, don’t bother worrying about it. What will happen, will happen. Incoming, duck for cover. Cower with the people who you hold dearest. Don’t let it get the best of you. Hold your tears. We’ve a few more. A few more opportunities. A few more days. A few more friends. Cower in front of this great monster we call change, can’t it just go away? Can’t things stay the same? Leave it nice and boring? Just like it’s always been?
But this is what makes us appreciate it. This monster we call change, has caused us all to think of just how happy we are, and have been. This change has shown us just how much we have to hold on to. Never lose touch. Hold my hand; we can make it through this storm, together.
And in the night we’ll wish this never ends.
Can't you wait? Maybe I don't want to go.

-Jones.

89. J.A.R.B - We'll wish this never ends

2006-06-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

And in the night we’ll wish this never ends. I’ll miss you.
We’ll wish this never ends; this always happy ending. We’ll wish for just a few more days, where nothing matters; just a few more moments to do those things you’ve always wanted to. Another chance to carry out the dreams you’ve been holding, tell people the things you’ve been meaning to say. Take the opportunities you’ve been waiting for. Just a few more days to make this the perfect time, please? I’ll miss you. And in the night we’ll wish this never ends.
All I want is just one more opportunity to re-build bridges, even if only to watch them fall; a second chance to leave things on a good note.
Last chance. Last change, don’t stop it this time. Nothing to leave bottled up inside, tell those people what you’ve been meaning to say. How you really feel. Please; don’t ever leave yourself asking “what if”. Last chance to throw away all of those regrets. All out; all in, hold on.
And in the night we’ll wish this never ends.
I’ll miss you.

-Jones.

88. J.A.R.B - Secretly

2006-06-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

Secretly; sub-consciously, us humans do a lot. Almost 70% of decisions we make are made without any thought. Feelings are had secretly; sometimes even we don’t know what we desire. It’s that way in which we can do things beyond what we know. We can hurt; we can help, without even knowing it.
There’s a lot of power in letting go, and allowing the subconscious drive; at least for a little while. It’s those times when feelings really come out. Chill. You can repeat yourself; as long as it sounds good. Feel the beat. Say things you’d otherwise; and will probably end up, regretting.
So feel without thinking, desire without knowing it. Somewhere deep down, you know what I’m talking about. Think without knowing what to think of it. Pure emotion; without what you think is “right”. Only a few more moments; time to show our cards. Bluff? The real deal, this is it. No more secrets, all out; all in.
So I’ll feel without thinking, desire without you knowing it. Somewhere deep down, just maybe. You’ll find out sooner or later. Closing time, and for once; I’ve got it figured out. No regrets.
So we’ll go ahead and cry, because for once we all feel the same. And for once, we don’t need to pretend.

-Jones.

87. J.A.R.B - Reinventing

2006-05-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while; we have to step back and assess ourselves. We have to wonder again; who we really are. We always have the memories, but we need to think of what to make of them. Sometimes it’s nice to take it from the start; spend some time to study yourself; wonder what happened to those old habits; maybe even celebrate about all the little things you do, the small things that no one ever really knows.
We have to find ourselves again; and we have to find the dream we’ve attached ourselves to.
After being de-railed; it’s important to find where we are; and then we to think back, and wonder where we were going. We need to remember where we were headed; what were we aiming for when we set off to do what we set off to do. What did you want to accomplish; before silly things like desire got in the way? What did we want when we were just wee little ones; when we didn’t know what our limits were? What happened to all of the un-doable dreams? Where did our imagination go?
Every time something changes; we need to change with it. Every time we change; we have to remember to stay the same. Every time we decide to branch off into something new; we have to remember where our roots lay. When we dive; we have to remember which way is up. And when life sets you off on its silly de-tours; we have to remember where we were headed.
Time to look back; is this what you wanted?

-Jones.

86. J.A.R.B - Changes

2006-05-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to learn; to see, that every big movement, every change in direction our culture takes is caused by some sort of rebellion. Some sort of dream; that is made into and idea. An idea that is shared with people across the world, an idea that is shared; not by the government or any ruling power in particular; an idea that everyone feels is worth achieving.
Take; for example, the free love movement. The world was fairly structured and keen on discipline before the hippies came along. The “hippies”, along with their idea of total freedom, changed the world as we know it. By simply causing their generation to believe in something; they changed ideals; and by changing ideals, they changed the way the world goes round. It was in the power of “believing” where they invested their idea; and they, unknowingly, did wonders. People were not driven by money; not by things. They did not want any rewards; other than a different lifestyle. And without thinking; they took that lifestyle up without thinking of their society at the time.
The point is this; when people come together with a singular idea in mind, and follow that idea; a change is made; only when there is something to believe in, rather than just want, things happen. Only when you dream, can you succeed.
Another good thing to mention is that we all have to band together to stop; or start something. Power in numbers, the more voices; the louder they get. When you find yourself saying “one little thing won’t really matter”, you’d be amazed at how wrong you are. Because one person can spread knowledge, one person can tell more people. One person can “spread the faith”, and make a change.
We all have the power to stop the madness that’s happening right now in this world. The genocide in Rwanda; the war in Iraq, Human trafficking, these horrific things; the way our society chooses to look away, can be changed. We’ve got to make a change. It’s time for us as a people to start making some changes. Let’s change the way we think, let’s change the way we treat each other.
You can.

-Jones.

85. J.A.R.B - What you make

2006-05-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

We spend so much time in this world trying to understand our place inside of it. I’ve come to the conclusion that; no matter where you are, it’s where you think you are that counts. No matter where you are, it’s what you make of it that matters. If you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere; if you’re going nowhere fast, you can at least enjoy the ride. If you’re at the end of your trip, you can pretend you’re still young and carefree; and you won’t have to worry. When you find yourself in a hole, no matter how you got there, you can at least pretend you’re on top again; and enjoy yourself. Maybe that way, a smile and a good long laugh will bring you up to where you’re mind is. Down on earth; we can pretend we’re astronauts. Up there; we can dream of home. Don’t think twice; it’s alright.

We spend so much time in this world trying to comprehend reality; when really we’re always dreaming. Because when we dream we wish, when we wish we want. When we want we think; and when those thoughts turn into actions; we have progression. Another dream comes in; and we wish, want, think; act. Like the landscape passing outside your train window, we can’t track our every single moment; but we know where we’re headed. It’s the dream that counts, big or small; somehow, we’ll be there soon.

We’ll have the memories to see where we’ve been. The thoughts we can remember thinking; how silly we used to be. So as these days wind down, remember where you’ve been, remember what you’ve made of the last few years. Don’t just remember the moments; remember the dreams that got you there; big or small. Remember the wishes you had, the things you wanted; needed. Remember the thoughts; plans, as they were put into action. Remember how you acted, remember who you were. Remember how you changed, and then you’ll truly know yourself. Never forget; these were the times that made you who you are. These are the dreams you’ll be chasing for quite some time to come. These are the places you’ve been. The things you’ve seen. These are the days you spent in happiness. The dreams you realized. Remember success; remember failure. Remember the rain that made the sunny days seem that much brighter.

But please; don’t cry.

-Jones.

84. J.A.R.B - Wake up call

2006-05-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

And then it hit me. I knew who I had become, typical of me not to make a simple speed check. Thanks for the wake up call. Now I know why. Too much control, too much comfort. Who knew there were spikes underneath all these pillows. Too many nice things; and I thought this would never last. I could get away with it all. Why? Because I had become the person I loathed. I had become exactly what I didn’t want to be; and egomaniac. Let’s take this apart; biopsy on my dying personality. Let’s find it before it gets big. But all I wanted now is the friendships I know now I’ve destroyed, the people I know now I’ve stepped on. All I wanted was some fun. Careful, I’ll watch where I step now; vulnerable. Watch out; they’re aiming at me this time around. Flash; where did the lights go? Hard to see. Where now? What now? Time left, time gone; make it last, make it change. Fix this, getting steeper. What’s wrong; need to know before I hit the ground.

Why am I even writing this? Why would I want to let everyone know I’m a jackass? I don’t even know that. But maybe it’s just because that’s all I have to write about now. Maybe it’s because this document is all I can turn to lately. Everyone’s got their problems; maybe this is just my way of dealing with them? Or maybe it’s because I’d like to let the people around me know that I’ll try my best to change. A few more laughs before we leave here. Maybe it’s because I’d like to let the people who I’ve wronged know now that I’m aware of what I’m becoming. And I want you to know that it’s not something I want to be. This isn’t what I was aiming for. I used to be the victim, now I have become the criminal. I don’t know how, but something went wrong. And I’m going to try my best to fix it. I apologize now for being who I am. I do not want to be this way, and I’ll repeat; I’ll try my best to fix it.

I'm sorry.

-Jones.

83. J.A.R.B - To myself.

2006-05-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

I’ll keep this to myself, no need for you to know. No need for anymore awkward situations; let the good times roll. If only, if only I could say what I’m thinking of every other second, if only there were another chance; better timing. Someday, some moment, could maybe be ours. There was always warmth between us. But please; don’t cry.
And really, all I wanted to know was “what if” what if these days had aligned themselves just right; what if there were more of them? We wouldn’t have to undo these knots we spent so much time tying. What if I didn’t have to watch it unravel before my eyes, and sit by; no longer a part of the commotion? What if things had been different from the start? Let’s go back to the start; but let’s not go from there.

-Jones.

82. J.A.R.B - Sense

2006-05-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

A devil in the midnight mass. Hard to make sense of this, because the worst bit was not knowing; where did I go wrong? Back to the start; analyze. Now there’s nothing to regret; this is one risk I’m thankful for. The one risk that’s gonna keep me taking risks. At least now I know. At least now some sense can come out of this. I hate it when things are up in the air.
Looking over what I’ve lost. This was glorious; “was”. This was beautiful. Looking over the hope’s I’ve lost. The wishes that won’t ever come true; one last chance. Looking over the friendship that may never be the same; only time can tell. Looking over the time I’ve spent, the memories I’ve won.
So I lay my head back down.
Remember those days? I do. Let’s not forget.

- Jones.

81. J.A.R.B - Loss

2006-05-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

There’s a lot of loss in my world right now. Endings; they had to come sometime, didn’t they? Can’t we make this go on forever; this beautiful limbo? The only difference for this one is the fact that I’m not going to tell myself that I’ll be strong. I promise not to fool myself into believing that I won’t have to cry; the tears will only come harder later. I won’t seclude and feel sorry for myself. But I won’t pretend it’s all going to be okay. I’m going to shed a few tears for this one; better to accept that. Accept; not the fact that we’re leaving, not the fact that this is ending; for I can make this last a little while longer, if only in my head. But accept the fact that it’s a bad thing, and realize that I’ll end up without a smile; for a little while.
All I really want right now is for something to come together just right. We can forget about all of the lonely pieces scattered on the ground. Let’s build something; something so strong no matter how fierce the storm, nothing will take it down. We can forget about all of this and rejoice in the fact that we can still re-do this, try once more; last chance; if only for a second.
We can try our best to hold on; but something’s gotta give. We can last long enough as to hold each other as we fall. A lot of loss right now, all I wanted was something to hold on to.

-Jones.

80. J.A.R.B - Mad beats

2006-05-13T05:31:00.000-07:00

Mad beats. All I know, all I feel. Dance like no one’s watching; even though you know they are. Show your colors. Music pumping, louder. I really like your def jux baby. Original, classy, real; old school; nothing you’ve ever heard. Since we last spoke. Let it out, dance the night away. Wait for that bridge; anticipate, not what you expected. Pump it. “Louder”? Oh no, we’re already going full blast. Let ‘em judge later, move those legs, let’s see you break a sweat; don’t worry about the smell. Hold on to the beat, let it flow, let it sink in; let them move you. Anticipate, just what you wanted. Fade out? That’s a negative; we can keep moving. You can dance, you can sit. You can move; you can rest. You can wait for the right time; or be there the whole way through. Two more dead. Ghostwriter; they can’t tell who’s yelling in the background. But they can hear. Move; don’t plan. “Where’s my snare?”

-Jones.

79. J.A.R.B - Work it out.

2006-05-13T05:30:00.000-07:00

In revision, review; I’ve found my faults. I’ve said things I’d rather not said; I’ve watched risks flash by. If I had only leapt. I could’ve made it; I think I can. Regrets; we all have them. Pain, maybe there was love, loss, something worth writing about. But all you can do is look back and tell yourself you’ll take the good, leave the bad; but let’s not forget. We can’t wipe the slate clean, and yet; therein, we can learn from our mistakes, see them looming overhead like a cloud holding on to the air you breathe. See them, and wait for sunnier days. They’ll come. Another day; we’ll get this right, if only for one more moment; another chance. If only I knew. Then maybe I’d be able to see these mistakes. Like rain without hint of cloud. Too good to be true? Hold on. We can still have hope. Talk. We can still have conversation.

-Jones.

78. J.A.R.B - Where now?

2006-05-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

So; where to now? I could just practice what I preach, or maybe… try something new? Someplace else… Maybe it’s time to focus. Time to watch this clock run dry? Oh no, time to take every moment; everyday, and exploit it. Bend these laws you call moral. Take time to take it back; I’ve given you my two cents. Ready for 5? Maybe even 78. Twist the manner in which time destroys all; exploit the little sand left in this timer. Watch every piece as it falls, and hold it there for just that moment longer; another chance at this; whatever “this” may be to you. It may just be a shot in the dark; alas, no time to wait for daybreak. The light’s a long way away. It’s going to get worse before it gets better; we’re going to loose it before we come back to a new home, we’re leaving; it’s all too confusing. Time to take a step up, take a step back; and bow. Watch as they throw these flowers; try to decipher those last few words you hear yelled aloud in unison from the mass of people in front of you. We all know you; maybe it’s time for you to get to know us; before it’s too late. Tell me that more friends would just be another thing to loose, but deep down we all know the truth; it’s just another thing to hold on to. And when you dance, dance. Only a few songs left. Who to spend them with? Maybe it’s time to spend a few with yourself. Find your own you before you loose it all over again.

-Jones.

77. J.A.R.B - Goodnight moon

2006-05-07T18:26:00.000-07:00

Goodnight home. Goodnight drive; you should know you were the only reason I tried. Goodnight to those hopes that never came true. I can let you rest now. Goodnight sad goodbyes, we’ll see you when the day comes.
I never did get that perfect dance; goodnight hopes, desire. Goodnight wish. I never finished that love song. Goodnight neverending moments. Goodnight neverending goodbyes. Goodbye last chance.
Maybe this is for the best. Maybe things will work out well in the end. Thanks for the memories.
Goodnight moon; I’ve a few tears to cry.

- "So, now you're not here. But your ghost; still burns in the air."

-Jones.

76. J.A.R.B - For you

2006-05-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

... For you.
It’s all for you. It’s all just to see that smile. It all comes from wonders; gently turning into thoughts. I’ve never been much for statements. Please, read between the lines. And as I quiver while I type, I whisper; and I get nervous that this time you might just hear me. It’s all for you. It’s all for that laugh that lights me up. It’s all for something that I can’t seem to put into words right now. It’s all for that one moment; where fears fade, the lights seem to burn out, and nothing else matters. It’s all for these days spent wishing they would never leave. So please, hold on. Strong enough.

- “As the moon fades, one more night gone, only twenty more days. But I will see you again; a long time from now.”

-Jones.

75. J.A.R.B - Just one lifetime

2006-04-30T14:52:00.000-07:00

Comin’ home. I’ll be there soon. Wishing for one more moment, one more chance to make this right; perfect. If only there were more time; time spend with you, time to spend wondering just how perfect this could truly be. Just how perfect this is; just a little longer to disprove those people who say perfection is just a dream. Just a little longer? I swear I’ll take just one lifetime. Please spare the goodbyes, we’ll stay in touch. Spare the tears and save the good times. Save these moments, these days. Savor the wind, there’s something special in this summer breeze. And please, save the person who can stop me in my tracks with just a look. Spare the forget-me-nots. You should know by now I’ll always remember you.

-Jones.

74. J.A.R.B - Spinning

2006-04-27T16:02:00.000-07:00

Head spinning, mind tumbling down. Maybe this was the mix up I was looking for; the last thing I wanted. Starting to feel a bit nauseous; just a bit of reassurance could do wonders. Spoiled the mood. Something’s gone wrong. Too much at once. And still I find it in me to write, the only thing to let it out. You tell me all I want to hear, but not what I need. All I need is to pull it together. Just promise me not to show that sword. Please, don’t. Please, make this head stop spinning; tell me there’s somewhere I can relax, somewhere worries wash away. Say there’s nothing more to say, tell me we don’t need conversation. Wipe these tears away; the first I’ve cried in a while. And to be honest, they feel good. Never mind that last bit; I’ll keep them here for a little while. Calmer now, still no sign of what I’ve been waiting for; all well. Maybe someday. Oh! Here we are. Sigh… And on we go. Tears gone now. That was refreshing.

Strong enough.

-Jones.

73. J.A.R.B - If only I knew

2006-04-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

If only I knew how to say this. If only I knew just what lay ahead of me. If only I knew who would be there for me, so that I could be there for them. If only I knew. If only I knew just what was going to become of me and my personality. If only I knew for sure I’d be able to stay myself, rather than closing off in a place where no one knows my name. If only I knew for sure what was going to happen to us, but only time does. I guess I’ll just play this one by ear. Wing it; hope for the best.

If only I knew what the next move was. If only I knew where to go, in this small space there is left to go. If only I knew. How much of this secret to tell you all. How much of myself to reveal, I’d rather not point out a weakness. If only I knew what it really feels like to be sad. It’d make these glorious days all that much more glorious. If only I knew how to practice as I preach; follow all these rules I’ve set out for myself. It seems I’m lagging. If only I knew how to improve this life of mine, it seems like perfection as it is. I can’t complain, and yet here I am. Wishing there were a flaw; hoping for a hole to drain me of my joys, so that next time I have them so high, I’d be able to really appreciate them. Wishing for something to go wrong, because this seems way to right. If only you knew how painful perfection can be. But please, don’t get it twisted, I’m not asking for a problem, more so that I’m asking for something to want; something more to yearn for. Maybe all I really need is some answers, maybe all I want, is to know. Uncertainty is certainly not something to feel secure around. That just wouldn’t make sense.

If only I could write well enough to say what I mean, not what you think I mean.

Don’t get it twisted.

-Jones.

72. J.A.R.B - What to say?

2006-04-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

What to say? We’ve said it all before; Love, lies, bleeding, leaving, reflection but no refraction, regret, response. We could always reflect on what we’ve reflected on, realize how silly we used to be. And then a few years from now, we’ll put it in perspective again, and see how silly we are now. But for now, we can just talk. It seems it’s all I’m good at, so I’ll stick with it. What to say? I love you? I’ll miss you? I’m not so sure… but then again, certainty is certainly not very consistent in these lives we lead. So let’s just tell of the good old days, talk of those times when we didn’t have to worry about a thing. There were always those days when things weren’t as complicated; simple. Yet, simplicity was all we ever wanted. Little did we know; there was so much to want. So for now, let’s remember, desire, devour these memories of broken hearts. And laugh. Because that was then. This is now, tell yourself you’ll live for the moment, but live in the past. Live for the past. Let’s make these days last, and let’s never forget the ones gone by; there will always be a memory to fall back on; for the next time you cry. So, what to say? Not much… just chillin.

-Jones.

71. J.A.R.B - Let's Pretend

2006-04-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

Let’s pretend this never happened. Just say we were all good for one more day. Let’s pretend this would continue; as is. Let’s pretend we didn’t need change. Let’s pretend change didn’t need us. These days could go by, over and over. Let’s pretend we wouldn’t get bored. These days would return. These days would return. Repeatedly. Let’s pretend we could seriously take this for a good thing. Who would we be kidding? Let’s pretend it will all get better. Would we really try? Let’s pretend there weren’t so many questions. Would we be satisfied without answers? <--- there goes another one…
There goes another one.
Hold on.

-Jones.

70. J.A.R.B - Tuesdays with Morrie

2006-04-18T15:40:00.000-07:00

I’ve finished the book “Tuesdays with Morrie” recently, and a few lessons, I think, are worth the blog.

“Morrie’s doctors guessed he had two years left.
Morrie knew it was less.
But my old professor had made a profound decision, one he began to construct the day he came out of the doctor’s office with a sword hanging over his head. Do I wither up and disappear, or do I make the best of my time left? He asked himself.
He would not wither. He would not be ashamed of dying. Instead, he would make his death his final project, the center point of his days. Since everyone was going to die, he could be of great value, right? He could be research. A human textbook. Study my in my slow and patient demise. Watch what happens to me. Learn from me. Morrie would walk that final bridge between life and death, and narrate the trip.

“The culture we have doesn’t make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn’t work, don’t buy it.”

“Amazing” I thought. I worked in the news business. I covered stories where people died. I interviewed grieving family members. I even attended the funerals. I never cried. Morrie, for the suffering oh people half a world away, was weeping. Is this what comes at the end, I wondered? Maybe death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another.”

“‘Mitch, you asked about caring people I don’t even know. But can I tell you the thing I’m learning most with this disease?’
‘What’s that?’
‘The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.’ His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘Let it come in. We think we don’t deserve love, we think if we let it in we’ll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, ‘love is the only rational act’”

“‘Everyone knows they’re going to die,’ he said again, ‘but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently.’
‘So we kid ourselves about death, I said.’
‘Yes. But there’s a better approach. To know you’re going to die, and to be prepared for it at any time. That’s better. That way you can actually be more involved in your life while you’re living it.’
‘How can you be prepared to die?’
‘Do what Buddhists do? Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, ‘Is today the day? Am I being the person I want to be?’
He turned his head to his shoulder as if the bird were there now.
‘Is today the day I die?’ He said.”

“When you learn to die, you learn how to live.”

“‘Mitch,’ he said, laughing along, ‘even I don’t know what ‘spiritual development’ really means. But I do know we’re deficient in some way. We are too involved in materialistic things, and they don’t satisfy us. The loving relationships we have, the universe around us, we take these things for granted.’
He nodded toward the window with the sunshine streaming in. ‘You see that? You can go out there, outside, anytime. You can run up and down the block and go crazy. I can’t do that. I can’t go out. I can’t run. I can’t be out there without fear of getting sick. But you know what? I appreciate that window more than you do.’
‘Appreciate it?’
‘Yes. I look out that window every day. I notice the change in the trees, how strong the wind is blowing. It’s as if I can see the time actually passing through that window pane. Because I know my time is almost done, I am drawn to nature like I’m seeing it for the first time.’
He stopped, and for a moment we both just looked out the window. I tried to see what he saw. I tried to see time and season, my life passing in slow motion. Morrie dropped his head slightly and curled it toward his shoulder. ‘Is it today, little bird?’ he asked. ‘Is it today?’”

“‘What I’m doing now,’ he continued, his eyes still closed, ‘Is detaching myself from the experience.”
‘Detaching yourself?’
‘Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important – not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone just like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.”
He opened his eyes. He exhaled. ‘You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.’
‘But wait,’ I said. ‘Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?
‘Yes.’
‘Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?’
‘Ah. You’re thinking, Mitch. Bet detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.’”

“In the beginning of life, when we are infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right?’
His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘But here’s the secret: in between, we need others as well.”

“Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.” – Gandhi

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you die.”

“In the south American rainforest, there is a tribe called the Desana, who see the world as a fixed quantity of energy that flows between all creatures. Every birth must therefore engender a death, and every death bring forth another birth. This way, the energy of the world remains complete.
When they hunt for food, the Desana know that the animal they kill will leave a hole in the spiritual well. But that whole will be filled, they believe, by the souls of the Desana hunters when they die. Were there no men dying, three would be no birds or fish being born. I like this idea. Morrie likes it, too. The closer he gets to good-bye, the more the more he seems to feel we are all creatures in the same forest. What we take, we must replenish. ‘It’s only fair’ He says.”

“Forgive yourself, forgive others. Don’t wait, Mitch. Not everyone gets the time I’m getting. Not everyone is as lucky.”

“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on – in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

-Jones.

69. J.A.R.B - Talk, Time.

2006-04-10T19:42:00.000-07:00

Time’s moving faster now, catch every phrase thrown your way, and let’s not forget about the important ones; another “I love you” spiraling away in the wind is something to fuss about.
Time’s leaving now, what to do… Time’s leaving now… where to go. When the future seems so uncertain; we’ll have to make up our minds on this one. It seems there’s some thinking to do ahead, but please, think aloud; for I wish to cherish these last words, these last thoughts. Time’s getting to my head. There’s so much to talk about, let’s not tell each other we won’t be talking soon, instead; let us talk. Let’s spend these days and nights wasting away our time. But let’s waste it with you, me, with her, with him, with them. Let’s see how far we can go without realizing we won’t be able to go any farther. You never know, this could go on forever. But only if we forget about the endings; forget about all the sad bits and just talk. Leave those worries at home, we don’t need them here. Forget about the endings, the sad goodbyes, the never-ending hugs, and make that metaphor spring to life. Let’s leave this class knowing we don’t really have to say goodbye to each other, for we’ll stay in touch. We won’t have to ask how life’s been 20 years from now, we’ll know. We’ll know. But enough about the future, I have no idea what I’m talking about there… Hopefully I’ll make the right choices. Maybe there is a “for sure” mixed in here with all these maybes. Maybe I really do have someone, something to rest my head against.

"Say you’re cool,
Say we’re fine.
Say we’re tough enough, strong enough,
My love"

-Jones.

68. J.A.R.B - Perfection

2006-04-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

A lot of work in today’s world is wasted on perfection. I say wasted because perfection is not what anyone’s really looking for. Imagine the “perfect” person. Imagine trying to get along with someone without a flaw; imagine trying to be comfortable around a person who’s never had a bad day. Imagine trying to relate to them. I think truly beautiful people are far from perfect, and in that way they are. It’s the little things you do, and the little things you do wrong that make you into you. It’s the small things, like a little strand of hair always out of place, or a crooked smile, that really set someone apart from the crowd. It’s the way we silently speak, the way we know we’ve gone too far, but don’t do anything about it, that makes us into who we’re becoming. It’s the way we deny change and try to hold on, even though we know there’s no chance; that makes us human. It’s in that way that we become the person we are. Not the person we want to be. It’s all in the little things you do and do wrong, that make me smile; because that’s you, and no one else.

-Jones.

67. J.A.R.B - Springtime

2006-04-02T19:28:00.000-07:00

Springs back, but I miss the thunderstorms. I miss the soft rain pitter patting on my window, trying so desperately to get in. I miss fighting it, but I don’t miss that once, just once, when I let myself get wet. Spring’s here, but I miss the thunder clapping from above. I miss the lighting striking off in the distance, and counting seconds to see how far off the storm was. When I reached 12 seconds, I would tell myself there was nothing to fear. But underneath it all, I knew, those drops were falling right on my forehead. Springs here, flowers are blooming. But I miss those days I spent without color; without them, spring wouldn’t seem so vibrant. Spring’s here, the birds are chirping. But I miss those times I spent laying in silence, thinking of how nice it would be, just to hear some music. Those days make these ones appear so deep, so rich; loud. Spring’s here, It’s warm out now. But I miss those days I’d spend warm and cozy, knowing nothing could touch me. I felt so comfortable those days. It’s spring now, those thunderstorms are bound to return. And I can’t wait to anticipate more days like these. Please, don’t cry.

-Jones.

66. J.A.R.B - Where no one knows your name

2006-03-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

There’s a certain freedom of a place where no one knows your name. Because it’s a grand ability to do as you wish. There’s a certain enjoyment in knowing the next thing you do won’t matter. No one knows your name. No one will remember this. It’s a grand feeling to know that your actions can come without a reaction. Defy physics; that should be fun. No one knows your name, but they’d remember that. Do exactly what they tell you isn’t to be done. You can judge your own thoughts, your own words this time. You can tell right from wrong. Right from left. Can’t you? Or did you just cross the line… All well. They don’t know your name, they won’t remember this. But you will. Speak out and be heard. Play the tape back when you’re done. Do you know your name? Or is it time to find out, before no one knows?

-Jones.

65. J.A.R.B - This one's just another rambling blog

2006-03-25T21:42:00.000-08:00

It all seemed to be coming together. Problems were being solved. You’re there. Mellow song in the background, thinking of this; of new things that I’m now comfortable with, life was taking shape. I’ve convinced myself that high school will be fine. I’ll learn, and as long as we stay in touch, I’ll still be able to feel a lot of what I’ve called home for the past two years. And only two, but wow… seems like forever. I’ve made my best friends here; I found myself here. I met you here. I don’t want to leave; but who does. It’s the little things I’m gonna miss. The smiles every day, the waves down the hall. But hey, change can be good. I feel that I’m breaking out of these rules that have been set before me, maybe just a little bit. I’m changing; I like it.

The world is changing, as it always does. In fact; the only constant thing in life is change. And all of a sudden I just felt really good. That was a good change. This time it was for the better. Its closing time; and I know who I want to take me home. – Happy birthday.

-Jones.

64. J.A.R.B - Wing it.

2006-03-22T20:11:00.000-08:00

I decided to throw the plan away. I was too good for that plan. No pre-set rules were going to get in me way. I’m wingin this one. Think it up on the way; it’ll be more fun that way. Let the words come to my mouth as I’m speaking. Let them leave without a thought. I’ll act before I let myself think of the consequences. I’ll let myself fly without realizing I’ve no wings. Judge the moment, feel the moment. Make the moment. Rush past the bad moment, we didn’t come here for the bad part. Leave those thoughts behind. Don’t assess; act. Don’t think; just do. Do whatever you feel. Feel whatever you do. Don’t think it. Wing it. Carry out all those dreams you dreamed; but never realized. Do all those things you promised yourself you’d do. But don’t think about it. There’s probably a reason you haven’t done it yet. Wing it.

-Jones.

63. J.A.R.B - Please, don't cry.

2006-03-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

Soon we will be without a home. But please don’t cry. We’ll all find new ones, and maybe, if we all try hard enough, we’ll be able to hold on to this one; for just a little bit longer. And maybe, in that little bit longer, we’ll be able to come to terms with this; and make the best of it. Please, don’t cry. Please, don’t leave this place in tears. Don’t leave this place thinking of the bad days; don’t leave this place without anything to leave. Instead, live. Life has always been there for us; waiting. Please, don’t cry. Accept what you’ve done here, take it in, but don’t stop; keep going. Don’t leave this place thinking of leaving; laugh instead. Make more memories while we still have the time. And please, don’t cry. Please, don’t try and tell yourself this isn’t happening; it is. Don’t tell yourself that it’ll all be ok; we’re all going to suffer here. But the faster you realize that, the faster you can forget the pain. But please, don’t forget about the good times you had, don’t move on too fast, we’ve still got time. Please, don’t cry. Most of all; don’t forget you. Never forget the person that this place has made you into. That person is a great one. Never forget who you are, because it is then when you are truly lost. Never forget the hands that molded you into you, never forget the moments that formed the ones to come. Never forget the times you turned your back to the crowd. That was when you really found out who you were. Who you are. Never let yourself become something that isn’t true. Nobody likes a faker; as nobody likes a cheater. And please; never forget me; I won’t forget you. Don’t cry.

-Jones.

62. J.A.R.B - The five people you meet in heaven.

2006-03-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

Another book, and, not quotes this time, but lessons.

The first lesson; we are all connected. “That you can no more separate one life from another than you can separate a breeze from the wind. […] The human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn’t just take someone; it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.”

The second lesson; sacrifice. “Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father.”

The third lesson; forgiving. When you don’t forgive, when you don’t forget, you’re stuck. It stops you from moving forward, because you’re still blaming something else for your own problems.

The fourth lesson; love. “Lost love is still love, Eddie. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.”

“Life has to end,” she said. “Love doesn’t.”

The last lesson. You can always re-pay; you can always make it up. No matter what you have done, there is always some way to make it better. Never give up on a friendship, because there is no deed unforgivable. Never let go of something you hold dearly, even if it’s too tattered to hold on to, there is some way to re-build it. In life and in death, there is never a total loss.

- Views from “the five people you meet in heaven” by Mitch Albom.

61. J.A.R.B - Three Day Road - Brace yourself; this one's the longest Jarb on record.

2006-03-18T19:32:00.000-08:00

Well then, another novel finished, and, I’ve managed to not post any of the quotes for half of it. So here’s half a book’s worth of interesting little moments.

- “He is disappearing in front of my eyes, sitting across the fire with a blanket over his shoulders, the smoke causing him to shimmer. I feed him with my story instead. He’s listening, I think, his eyes staring at the water.”

- “I couldn’t move. That’s when it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t the hunter anymore.”

- “Words. The rumors fall like rain here.”

- “I can see how the men are quite even though they now have a day to themselves without worry of dying.”

- “But here Elijah is something more than just a bird, something more than the rest. Bigger and yet still more slight. Invisible.”

- “The only cure is time”

- “The only sight at The Brickfields that is not depressing is straight up in the air. Despite the wreck of the world below, the birds continue to fly above as if nothing has changed.”

- “You must realize once more, Nephew, that in this world of hardship we must grasp the moments that are offered to us.

- “The not-knowing was a strange relief.”

- “I smiled at this story, my first smile in months, it seemed. For the first time in a very long time I felt sure now of my next move.”

- “They are not good from concealing thoughts from their faces.”

- “I can’t worry, me, about what I can’t control.”

- “It is the wrong time for melancholy, it will ruin his mood, and so he straps his rifle on his back and makes his way out the window of the tower and onto the ledge.”

- “The quite is unsettling”

- “I look around at the ruins and wonder if this place will ever heal”

- “The booms of the guns sharp in the cold air.”

- “I watch the raiders slip from the trench and get eaten by the night.”

- “The cruelty of living and dying can be astounding.”

- “I stared at the wound for days, watched as blood seeped through the white bandage, life leaking out of me in a trickle. Maybe it was then that I decided to die.”

- “My mind could not focus on the field, and that is dangerous when what you hunt hunts you as well.”

- “I run my finger along the cold flat metal of a bullet casing and wonder what is happening all around me.”

- “The world explodes around me, shells landing fifty and a hundred yards ahead, wreaking the German line. I order my mind to drift, to shut down, but it will not.”

- “For a second I wonder if this will be the last morning of my life.”

- “The whole earth is on fire in front of me, exploding in huge fountains of mud and fire. I can feel the rumble below me, through me, swallowing me.”

- “I think that in a little while no one will be left but me. The world has gone almost silent in my head but for a deep hum and what sounds like the faraway surge of waves crashing on a beach and then pulling away. I try not to think, but a memory of me playing on the muddy shore of the great salt bay comes to me, a presence near me, my watchful aunt protecting me. You, Niska. I don’t know why I think of you now as bullets zing by my head so close that they whisper to me. One cuts through my coat and I can feel my side burning. I think I have been shot but the pain is almost absent, just an annoying bite. I begin to mouth your name over and over, like a protection against the bullets. Niska, I whisper as I run up the hill and approach a stretch of barbed wire. Niska. Niska. Niska. Niska. Niska. I realize as I stumble and fall to my knees that the sound of the waves crashing in my head is my own breathing.

- “The men around us stare at me as I stand up and walk away. Me, I won’t let them forget who I am.”

- “It is like a game to him, but behind his friendly smile burns an obsession that is frightening. I fear many things in this place, but I do not want to fear my friend.”

- “A mist rises all around and in the darkness I’m reminded of my first month in this place, when it seemed I’d been thrown into an underworld full of skulls and quick, brutal, death. So much has changed since then. I realize that the place hasn’t changed. It’s me.”

- “The story is not a happy one, but something in me has to tell it.”

- “If Elijah can come back to me, he will help me. We will fight together again, fight against this medicine that consumes us. We will get better together. He will help me overcome the pain and I will help pull him from the war madness that swallowed him whole. Where is he?”

- “A bomb from under a plane screams through the cold air. Then we hear the whomp of splintering wood as it pierces wood and the tiny breath of silence before an explosion.”

- “And still the rain falls and the shells pound and churn the mud. That is my nightmare, to be wounded and in my agony, sinking into the mud to be swallowed forever. Gone. Missing in action, and you, Niska, waiting for me for years to return.”

- “I drink the rum and more is passed around. I take it greedily. Anything is better than another night of waiting for the shell to land close enough to kill us.”

- “The world seems suddenly less real than it was yesterday.”

- “A half moon floats above me. I let whatever this is pull me along, take me where it will.”

- “In a few hours I will fall and shatter on the rocks of this hard place, but for now I will float free of myself and won’t feel any pain.”

- “He sees a bird floating on a current of air on the horizon and focuses on it. Elijah is flying.”

- “The medic has time only for the wounded.”

- “Death is everywhere around them in the forest, staring at them from behind trees. But something far worse than death crouches close by. It is felt rather than seen. It waits for the moment when they close their eyes to approach.”

- “Their eyes have the look of long and terrible fighting, of seeing things that men should not be witness to, the same look that is in my eyes, I should think. For them, at least, the war is over. I wish I could say the same for myself.”

- “Sometimes I find myself hoping that Elijah will go too far, will be killed in action. I will be able to rest easier then, my conscience clean enough at least to turn myself in for what has been done, to the woman and the child, to Grey Eyes and the lieutenant, to the countless others Elijah has surprised and massacred in the night. The others watch Elijah in action, say that he is brave, a warrior of the highest order. To me he is mad. I am the only one to know Elijah’s secrets, and Elijah has turned himself into something invincible, something inhuman. Sometimes, though, I feel as if I’m going mad too.”

- “It seems as if Elijah knows that something approaches. An end to this, maybe.

- “What’s mad is them putting us in trenches to begin with. The madness is to tell us to kill and to award those of us who do it well. I only wish to survive.”

- “If I choose my words right, and speak from that place inside that tells no lies, he will hear.”

- “You made up your mind not to be afraid.”

- “The arrow whispered off, moving quickly across the distance.”

- “I allow myself to believe that I am Elijah. In this way he is still alive.

- “He lies there a long time, staring down at the world below. Reaching into his pocket he pulls out a cigarette, lights it and inhales. He unstraps the rifle from his back and peers through the scope into the night. There isn’t much light, just the rage of battle on the horizon. He focuses in on that, the dancing colors just like the Wawahtew back home. He cannot escape thinking of the place he comes from on this night. He slips off the safety and aims at the dancing colors, squeezes the trigger, firing a single bullet into the night.”

- “By tomorrow we’ll be home.”

-Jones.

60. J.A.R.B - Thank you, reader.

2006-03-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

Well, well, what do we have here? 60 posts; and I’d like to thank you for reading all, well, maybe just some of them. I’d like to thank you for commenting every once in a while, and letting me know you get the message. I’d like to thank you for being the reader, because a voice is nothing without its audience. I’d like to thank you for reading, so this voice can speak. Speak the truth, and what I’ve been led to think is the truth, don’t trust everything I say, it’s often said in love, in hate, and in; let’s just call it a “state of high emotion”. That should do. I’d like to thank these web pages for getting the message out. I’d like to thank them for a way of saying it without making a speech, for I hate public speaking. Thank you for giving me the courage to say what needed to be said. And thank you, once again, for understanding, for listening to this voice, I’d be nowhere without a point to make.

- Jones.

59. J.A.R.B - Let's just pretend this never happened, OK?

2006-03-16T04:45:00.000-08:00

There are a few ways of dealing with problems. You can avoid them, and you can face them, but let’s not forget, you can… forget them. As in; this poses as a problem, lets just forget about it, ok? As in, hmm, I’m really not in the mood to deal with this right now, let’s just change the subject. And that power, oh, that is a grand power. To be able to forget, at least for the time being, is beautiful. Because there’s no point in worrying when nothing can be done; in fact worrying only worsens the situation. I like to play it by ear; it’s much more fun; you should try it some time. So let’s just say that this never transpired, I didn’t ever read that, because I didn’t want to. At least for the time being; maybe later we can sort this out. Right now isn’t the time; I’m having a good time right now. Please, save your apologies, we can deal with them later.

58. J.A.R.B - Lacking that "human touch"?

2006-03-15T07:42:00.000-08:00

The web is a grand tool today. Imagine life without it; it’s hard to do. Imagine not being able to contact each other with just the click of a mouse. Oh, how I would miss you… Imagine trying to organize trade with china without e-mail. Imagine me, trying to show you what I’m trying to say, without this blog. But there is one downside. As we are able to communicate so easily through wires, we talk without being there. We don’t get together enough anymore, and end up feeling lonely, even though we’re always together, always plugged in. I think it takes away what’s really there in any given conversation. Just to see that smile of yours, instead of a colon and bracket. Sure I can imagine, but really, who wants to live in a world where all smiles are animated? Just to see the way we act, all of those expressions are gone, only text is left. Only electrical signals into characters forming words and sentences, and sentences, are far from feelings; far from who made them up. I think that, due to the web, all the world really needs now, is some more of that “human touch”. A little bit more love could be nice too, love never hurt anyone. Well, you know what I mean.

57. J.A.R.B - Interpretations

2006-03-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

Funny, how a mood can change the way you interpret things. On sad days smiles seem sarcastic, and on good days, smiles are smiles; smiles are grand. I just re-read something, something which I’ve read a few times now. I read it well this time; other times I’d been in a bad mood, thinking down on what it had to say, and so, I thought it was a bad document. I found the negative in that document, and today I saw the good part. I don’t have anything to worry about anymore; and thank you for putting me into my place. Alas, this piece of literature must continue with the point; on with the J.A.R.B.

I found out today that everything must be handled in a calm fashion, you may act surprised when it is called for, but please, stay calm, and don’t count your hens before they hatch. Take is slow, don’t try anything that’s not been done before; there could be a reason no one’s tried it. Panicking will solve nothing, as thoughts leave when panic sets in. It’s hard to think strait while being bombarded with emotions, so leave them at home when you’re trying to solve this mess, they can return later, now’s not the time for emotion, no matter how fabulous. Now’s time to figure this out, so that maybe when emotion returns it can be happy. Maybe last time you checked, you only saw anger, when there was truly trust, truly, no betrayal. Next time, look before you act, maybe even twice, you might not see what’s really there. That could just be your own mind talking.

56. J.A.R.B - Words.

2006-03-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

There is an amazing power beheld in the written; or spoken word. To be able to instill upon someone an idea, a though; to inspire, is a great power. These words flow; always with the unseen flaws, but those don’t matter for now, because we can see the emotions behind them. To be able to scream the word love without using l-o-v-e is an amazing capability.

And lies, oh, lies are even better. Imagine being able to get away with anything; just after a little persuasion. Imagine being able to hide hate in words for a friend. Imagine betrayal, when loyalty vanishes to deep within your conscious, deep where decisions aren’t really made, but thought up. Imagine being able to lie to yourself. To put yourself in a world where things are the way you want them to be, even though they aren’t. Imagine being able to tell yourself that there is no reason to hold back. Even when you know; just what is. Imagine being able to let the words, the thoughts, the meanings; flow without restrain, imagine life without these minutes I spend attempting to say what nobody can, what no word can sum up. Emotion; everything at once, all sides of this everlasting story we call life. Imagine sitting down and simply letting it out, letting it all out, the good and the bad. Imagine someone reading this and knowing exactly how I feel. That won’t ever happen, but for only one reason. I am not you. You are not me. But we can still get by; you get my drift at least, don’t you? Imagine not having to hold back those thoughts of hate and love, of distrust and honesty, imagine if we couldn’t. That would cause the ultimate anarchy. And so, because I don’t really know where I’m going with this, I’ll stop. Until next time something inspires me, farewell.

55. J.A.R.B - A little Napoleon, please?

2006-03-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

I’ve seen it; I’ve seen the way you act. I’ve heard the truths untold, and today, I figured it out. The bad goes unsaid, and the good is put front row center. This doesn’t scare me. I know how you work now, and knowledge is the ultimate weapon. Don’t try anything, or I might just have to use it. You are the ultimate leader, but we don’t have to know the ways in which you do it. They are good ways; yet for the wrong reasons; perfect actions and bad intentions. But you don’t want, or need to tell us that. We take it as an omen when you do something good, because we accept you as our grand good one. You are the chosen, to forever leave those lies untold. Watch your six.

54. J.A.R.B - My conscious just got the best of me, here's what it had to say.

2006-03-06T18:38:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in a while. So I decided I would. Not that there’s nothing to write about. There’s a lot to say, many ways to say it, but considering this is #54^th, it’s hard not to repeat myself. Please excuse the “emo” ness; I’m in a bad mood right now. I’ve been having trouble getting my thoughts across; wouldn’t it be nice if thoughts could be simply put into words. Onto a website, so that you could all see what I’m saying… wouldn’t it be nice if we could eliminate this middle ground where I fumble with words to try and communicate feelings? Oh, hold on, I’ve already blogged about that. I’ve been feeling all stuffed up lately. Too many feelings to get out; frustration, bliss, admiration, confusion, wondering what’s really going on. It seems everyone else’s world is falling apart, and I’ve become one to stand by and watch. I’ve been trapped where I feel confined by a lack of problems, and no way to help others, as I haven’t been through anything before. I just wish I could take some of the heat for you. I wish you didn’t have to go through this; I just wish. But that’s all I can do. Wow, this is an impressive train of thought, the reader won’t know the half of it though; I’ve deleted many words… Not very complete, but I think you can tell what I’m feeling… maybe, a bit… oh who knows anymore. What’s the whole point of this blogging thing? So that we can show people exactly how we’re feeling, so that we can show the world our hearts, our insides? I think this train of thought is getting the best of me. I’ll stop before it gets out of hand and I start saying things like “What’s the whole point of this…” Hold on, been there, sorry. Bye for now, I’ll try to leave a happier impression next time. That’s really the case, I’ve simply allowed my own conscious to tell me otherwise tonight, please, don’t let yours tell you something’s wrong.

J.A.R.B - The top ten.

2006-02-27T15:18:00.000-08:00

Just posted my 53rd, and i figured it was time to re-cap the best of the best. The top ten. Here they are:
8. J.A.R.B - Raise your sword
26. J.A.R.B - Memories and change
27. J.A.R.B - Cheating mother nature?
29. J.A.R.B - Remorse and acceptance
30. J.A.R.B - The future, the next step
36. J.A.R.B - Violence
37. J.A.R.B - Untitled
41. J.A.R.B - Chasing the white rabbit
47. J.A.R.B - Typing fast
53. J.A.R.B - Chillin

53. J.A.R.B - Chillin

2006-02-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

This is a pretty sweet life. Just relaxing, letting it all come loose. Mind unwinds, words unfold, and feelings spill. It’s rather refreshing. Every word comes with a smile. All my music sounds good. Everything around me appears beautiful, but thoughts of you prevail. This blog becomes a reflection of myself now, that line was crap, but I’ll edit it later. I can let it chill for now, things are good, and I won’t worry about it. I wonder if I’ll even post this, or keep this part about not posting it in the post if I do… Maybe I should stop; this is getting a little too long rambling on about nothing… Just chillin. Everything flows well; everything just flows, out and in, ideas before imponderable now simple. It seems there’s a lot of power in being able to relax. Let your mind take the day off, let your subconscious drive you, don’t worry about those spelling mistakes. Let this flow, let it roll off of your fingers onto the keyboard; that is when you can truly right a blog. That is where a masterpiece comes from, don’t rush it; the only thing generated from haste is waste. Don’t worry about the conversation; just say what’s on your mind. That is when you can truly express yourself. Let it sink in, these moments are few and far between. Don’t worry about form, it’ll work itself out. If only this chair reclined…

Some awesome pictures...

2006-02-25T16:01:00.000-08:00

More funny pics at toothpaste for dinner.

52. J.A.R.B - These moments

2006-02-25T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's these moments that make me glad to be here. It's these moments that make me smile, time and time again. It's these moments I remember when I'm feeling down and out. Or even when I'm just down. This thought, these words, these feelings. They make it all. They make it all worth it, because at the end of the day, this is what I’ve been looking forward to.

51. J.A.R.B - Too many explanations

2006-02-24T15:32:00.000-08:00

Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t know what happened when someone fell in love? When someone felt rage, felt like they needed to fight. Wouldn’t it be nice to simply fight without any forethought? Wouldn’t it be nice if things just worked, everything was simple, love was love, and hate was hate? I think this world could benefit from a bit more divinity. More wonder would be nice, I’d like to be able to stare up into the sky and have my mind fill with questions, not answers; it feels like my imagination’s being taken away. I’d like a bit more wonder, a bit more space for my mind to roam, even if it’s going in the wrong direction. I’d like a bit more room to think, without being squashed by simple logic. I’d like to be able to dream of flying, without knowing for sure that it can’t be done. I’d like to be able to think of machines that could take me anywhere, without knowing that they can’t be made. I’d like to dream in a place where world peace isn’t just a dream, even though I know there will always be violence. I, would like to dream of days where I won’t ever have to leave this place. This is a good place.

50. J.A.R.B - A beautiful story

2006-02-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

Looking back, and looking forward, re-reading these thoughts, feelings. One thing remains. It has all been beautiful. The hard times made me harder. The soft days showed me how to open up. The good times, were simply grand. I’d like to thank you for that. I’d like to thank you for just being you, no matter what you were, or are to me. You, made these pages beam with beauty, made these pages come to life, you made them flourish. So I’d like to thank you for making this story, what it is. Beautiful. I’d like to thank you for making this life story happy. For giving this life story the romantic side. For letting the author doze off every night, knowing he has something to look forward to. So now I’ll fall asleep… thinking of you, thinking of this… thinking of bliss.

49. J.A.R.B - Not as simple

2006-02-23T16:38:00.001-08:00

And then, it was all a blur. Too much at once, this was hard to take in. All of a sudden feelings weren’t as simply figured out as before. Things would be different from this day on. I knew now, if only the word “secret” had just a bit of validity. If only you didn’t tell me this, for you just made me re-think it all. If only… Maybe one day you’ll figure out that I am no coward. I lay myself out, and you call me a coward. You should know being open is the hardest part. You should know being open is the ultimate fear, for in being open, you are also open to attack.

It seems the days from now on are going to be different. There will always be that one little thing. There will always be plural emotion(s). There will always be that other dimension. It appears things aren’t as simple as they were anymore. There will always be multiple border(s) to defend. There will always be someone who wants me on the ground. Be it my own conscious or someone else’s will. There will always be multiple day(s) to think this over, at least we have time. Either that or we will have second(s) to make this moment real. But, it’s all for the better. The ground gives power to get up. The attacks give powers to defend. And so on. So let you’re complicated lives lead you into complicated decisions. Let those decisions lead to complex choices. Let nothing go unanswered. It’d be a shame to miss something in the midst of it all. Let nothing be unsaid, because you never know, you could miss a chance to say it. Let it all sink in, because then you don’t have to push it down later. Let those emotions take control; they just might take you somewhere.

19 February, 2006 11:23

48. J.A.R.B - Beyond words

2006-02-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

Turns out that sacrifice blog was true. There will always be something give up, when something is taken. Anyway, on with the point, oh and by the way, this is no shield, this is no move, this is only a release. This is a release of all the times you thought you were better. A release of all the good times, all the bad times. A release of all the times I thought this was no wrongdoing, turns out you thought differently. You lied, it’s simple, but people lie. It’s only human nature. It’s only human nature to cover up, and it is only in letting go and showing off when we find we were wrong all along. For sometimes we’re only kidding ourselves. Sometimes it’s time to take a step back and watch what you say. Watch what they say. React well; you’ve only got one shot at this. So here is my message to you. A threat will do nothing, for actions will speak louder than text. Spread those rumors like disease. Eventually you will be infected. This is no shield. This is only a release. This is no question. It is the answer, for this is beyond words. But it’s worth it; don’t think you caused any regret. I know who I am.

18 February, 2006 11:23

47. J.A.R.B - Typing fast

2006-02-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

Typing so fast every other word is autocorrected, emotions spill onto a page. Feelings swirl around and land on the keyboard. If only you knew how this truly made me feel. If only I could truly tell you how I feel. This helps, but doesn’t come close. At least to me it can become some kind of release. At least to me these emotions are behind me now, unless I decide that they’re too good to let go of. Too good to say goodbye to. So I hold on, I don’t let go, and I don’t get caught up. There’s much more to be thinking of now. And so I write. As these thoughts place themselves in this paragraph they find a way out. Hopefully they find a way into you, and maybe you’ll be able to see a little bit of me. I’m sharing here, pay attention. I just hope you can tell from the little sub-notes that this is true. This is genuine, no mixed realities here. Only me. If only you could really see what I’m trying to show you.

17 February, 2006 11:21

46. J.A.R.B - A new day? Hardly, we still have the memories

2006-02-23T16:36:00.001-08:00

Being able to let go is a grand ability. But never loose the memories. Good or bad, they either make you laugh or make you think. They could make you cry, and they could teach you a thing or two. Memories are a powerful thing, and they are never to be lost. They are to be taken in, and stored, but they are not to be held on too. They are something to look back on to know that that was then. This is now, this is different. But that did happen, it was great. That is over now, which is too bad, but there are always new things. There is always tomorrow. There is always somewhere new to go. Maybe not somewhere where the rain dares come, but you can always look back on the days under a secure roof; those days when things were so simple. This was this and that was that. All well; that was then, this is now. With memories you will be able to re-visit the good old days, but never stay to long, they have a way of sucking you in. They also have a certain way of replenishing. They have a way of reminding you that there will always be what happened. There will never be a way to undo it. There will always be regrets, because nothing is, or was, perfect. So revisit, rejoice, relive, and revive.

16 February, 2006 11:20

45. J.A.R.B - The true truth

2006-02-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

There’s a thin line between real, true, and fake. Fake is just; untrue. Fake has trouble staying separated with true though, the two do mix. And to find the true truth is to see what’s real. Generally, the truth gets mumbled up with a number of white lies and such. It is only in being able to feel what happened, where you can truly know what occurred. To understand is to take into account all mixed emotions, all decisions, and all movements. It is to know, to truly know, that there was reason. Without reason is without logic, and that wouldn’t make any sense. To understand is to truly comprehend what went on. Not to know what happened. Not to have heard the word on the street. The word lies. The emotion doesn’t. So it is in understanding feelings where we can truly understand, truly comprehend what went on, what occurred happened for a reason. That reason almost always has something to do with feelings, unless you’re talking in binary. It is love and hate; it is disappointment and excitement, which is at the base of every decision. Because nobody talks in binary.

15 February, 2006 12:35

44. J.A.R.B - The middle

2006-02-23T16:35:00.001-08:00

So there I was, and all of a sudden, it clicked. It all came together, and at that exact moment it all fell down. The sky was falling. Emotions swirling from all directions. And so, in contradicting myself I decided I was confused. Which I was. After figuring it all out, after things had been so good, I could see what was there all along. Not knowing it had existed I had continued on. All I knew then was that all of a sudden I was the bad guy; I was the one committing the felony. At least in my actions, in my mind, I was. The tricky part became this; it was in this beautiful betrayal that I had finally found what I was looking for. It was because of this violation that I could finally look in the mirror and say “this is wonderland”. It was in this wonderland where I had finally found home. It was in this wonderland, where things came together, and things fell apart. It was here where I figured it out; I knew what I had done. It was in this knowing that I found a way to let go. This was how it was, and sometimes life deals cards so bad, you just have to cheat.

I had found a new side of me, one I didn’t know before. I found the me that weaved a little. I had always thought of myself to be a person of pure trust, of pure loyalty. But now I knew that I was someone who can put himself first every once in a while.

So as the words battled out in my head I came to a conclusion, this is a new day. A new time where things change, as always, but only now it’s happening faster. I have to look out now, predict a little, because just as you figure it out, it becomes something else, so be on your feet, ready for change, and don’t try to delay it, because then it will only happen faster, push harder. Take change in grace, take it with pleasure, and maybe you can even have some fun in this whirlpool of difference and indifference.

14 February, 2006 12:33

43. J.A.R.B - And so I tried harder

2006-02-23T16:35:00.000-08:00

There will always be things that we can’t control. There will always be a solid other who decides that they are against you. These are what I’ll call the untouchables. And then there are the choices that you make. There are the times where you decide where to go next; what to do to the one who betrayed you. These are your choices. This is what you control, and if you look at the circumstances, you might find you have a lot of these. So control well, as all decisions come with a price, all choices have their affects.

When faced with a situation where you have to, let’s say, choose a path; you can choose that path, but you cannot choose where it will lead you, that is, unless you decide to make your own trail. You’d have to know the way pretty well to do that though. So, when found in a situation where you seem to have no control, try a little harder, because there will always be something to do. There will always be a place to put energy. There will always be some form of control.

As you find your way down this path, it’s your choice in which to perceive what you see. It’s your choice for what to make of it all, you could say that cup is half full, or you could choose to call it half empty. It’s your choice. Any situation can be seen as an omen, because we all have our good sides. There is a silver lining to each cloud, I’ve seen them all. It may seem the untouchables are in control, that they’re out there to make you fall. But that isn’t the case; it’s only your choice to see them trying to get you down, not trying to toughen you up. Because really, everything can be seen through pink-tinted lenses, all you need to do is put the glasses on.

13 February, 2006 19:03

42. J.A.R.B - Never miss a moment

2006-02-23T16:34:00.000-08:00

I’d like to wish you all a happy valentines day. And I’d like for no one to end up sad. Today isn’t the day for that. I’d like for everyone to savor it all. Take it all in, this is our last year here, so don’t waste any time. Focus on the good, because it’s the good that gets you farther. Never miss a moment in your own thoughts, today is time to smile, today is a good day. Today we celebrate the epitome of happiness. Love is a grand thing, so never waste that either. It is to be cherished, never is it to be abused. It will bite back. Love is a great thing, and mine is for you. So maybe now you can think of the times we’ll never forget. Think of the people who will always be there, no matter what school. Think of the times that changed you forever, good or bad. Think of the people who taught you a lesson, teachers or not. Think of the times you laughed so hard milk came out of your nose. Those are the times that you’ll remember. Those are the times never to miss. Those are the times to watch out for. Times to seize, times to hold, to remember. Times to live for.

13 February, 2006 12:42

41. J.A.R.B - White Rabbit

2006-02-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

Everyone reading this blog right now is chasing a little white rabbit. It is a never-ending quest. Even after chasing down that rabbit, there is a better one, faster. But you know now, you caught its brother; this one can’t be much different. Can it? There will always be a new route, for the old ways came from the time when you didn’t know any better. That rabbit becomes your only objective, and chasing two will get you none, so focus. This is your destiny; it is why you’re here in the first place; to chase. For it is the journey, the chase, not the destination. The journey is what takes you there, it will never end, until, well, you do. It is the ultimate fate of the human race, to forever want more, to forever be chasing that white rabbit. Don’t be sad that things will never be perfect and tranquil, because nobody smiles at a stop light. So chase that rabbit; it might just take you into wonderland.

12 February, 2006 20:55

40. J.A.R.B - In a minute

2006-02-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

In a minute, the world can pass by, but only if you’re going very, very fast. In a minute, a life can end, and at the same moment, a life can be brought into this world; but only after 9 months of waiting. In a minute, an era ends, and a new one begins. In a second, thoughts swirl through your head… What was that? You’ll know in a minute. In an hour, what feels like days can pass, and you may never be the same. This may never be the same. But the world isn’t ending, there’s no need to worry, for the moment.

In a second, you may be lost. Words travel quickly, and they’re very hard to follow. But thoughts go even faster, rushing to the next conclusion. Still, feelings travel at even higher speeds. They are the ultimate mode of communication; because we all smile in the same language. And in all of this, that true moment of judgment may only last a few seconds, so be ready. It is that day. It is that hour, it is that second. Tick tock. Tick tock.

09 February, 2006 19:37

39. J.A.R.B - Defying murphy

2006-02-23T16:29:00.000-08:00

Cheat a bit. Bend the rules that were meant to be broken. Not too much, because when destroyed, they can’t be manipulated. Take to the skies, play in the winds and fly with the flock, even though we can’t. Fly away to a place where reality meets fantasy and your wildest dreams come true. A place where worries wash away; and you can cheat a little bit. Murphy’s laws can stay at home for a little while. Maybe it’s time to take a break from all these restrictions and limits.

08 February, 2006 19:36

38. J.A.R.B - Friends among enimies

2006-02-23T16:28:00.001-08:00

When you scrape away the religion, the race, the beliefs of a person, you get a human being, no exceptions. Because of this we are able to find friends among enemies. Because people don’t make friends judging on what someone looks like, it is on how they act which the judgment is made. If only we could all talk without twisted tongues. If the hate left, for maybe a few minutes, we might just discover the happiness that can be found in friendship. Maybe we can find the camaraderie that connects us all. If we can just take a moment and leave the judgments behind, we could find something grand. Maybe even, for a few moments, we could learn that we are equal; not in skill, but in value. In valuing each other we can find bonds that will last a lifetime. Respect, is the base of happiness. If we can learn equality, maybe we can learn to be a bit happier. Maybe these days will pass by more easily for everyone, because I simple hello can make a world of difference. Respect one another, and we might not have to be enemies anymore.

07 February, 2006 09:58

37. J.A.R.B - Untitled

2006-02-23T16:28:00.000-08:00

It took my mind a while to take in and realize what actually happened. In that moment I was lost in a whirlwind of new things, and beauty. Nothing else compares, nothing else matters. It seems it’s all taken a turn for the best, so I’ll live it up. This is like my every dream, but better, and this time it’s real. This is like; winning a million dollars without buying a lotto ticket, and living in a world where worries wash away like the tide.

That moment, everything else melted away. Nothing else even… existed. So I savored it, I took it in, because that’s what moments are meant for.

It seems I’ve been deprived of good things, but it only seems that way, because nothing compares to how you make me feel. Nothing looks good anymore, because nothing measures up to your beauty… If only this moment could last forever.

06 February, 2006 09:52

36. J.A.R.B - Violence

2006-02-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

The quest for world peace has become a very big dream. One that most believe in; I don’t think anyone in here really enjoys killing. But it’s an impossible dream, not to be pessimistic, but there will always be violence. The route cause of killing and violence is always anger. Anger, the human emotion; if we ever want world peace, we’re going to have to wipe anger out of our lives. This would cause more chaos than you might think. An end to anger would be an end to rebellion. There would be no more standing up for yourself, for there would be no feeling to drive hold you upright. And as many of us wrote about last term, rebellion is a hard thing to live without. It’s a hard thing to survive without, it drives us.

Violence is in our past, it is in everything’s past. It is how things stayed alive. When there was no diplomacy, violence was the only answer to dispute. And dispute there was, every day, we fought to stay alive, we fought for our right to live. It is in this way violence entered our past; and our instincts at the same time. It was then that we forever became ravaged. Humans, as any other species, will forever be violent, it is in our blood. But only when we are triggered do we enter this state of rage, only then do we loose all control and become wild. It may forever condemn our society to have a violent side, as it will condemn us all to have a darker side. It is in that darker side that we can maybe find shelter, for in anger, in rage, there is a certain undoing. Everything is set free, nothing can be held back. It is that way were we can see the inside, get to know ourselves. So do not be afraid to set free, for in letting go we refresh, and we can maybe even learn a bit about ourselves. Embrace the rage, and let it out at the same time, because it is then, when you become fearless.

04 February, 2006 22:28

35. J.A.R.B - Yearning for more and drive

2006-02-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

I’ve come to learn that there will always be a yearning for more. The average human isn’t ever satisfied with their current situation. It’s why we want to be better at the sports we’re the best at; it’s why billionaires don’t retire. It’s why we take two when one would do. It’s also why we’re so advanced. All of the other animals on earth are happy where they are. Humans, somewhere along the line, evolved the drive for more; we were the first ambitious animals. We, then, were the ones who always wanted to be warmer than we needed to be, we wanted to have more food than we needed. We developed the drive to have more, to live longer and to be better. It’s this very drive that powers our every decision, because we all have our reasons, we all have our ways as well. We might not get what we want, but we sure do want it. So always try, let that ambition take you somewhere, because in attempt, there is no defeat, only disappointment.

03 February, 2006 22:27

34. J.A.R.B - Reality and fantasy

2006-02-23T16:21:00.000-08:00

Reality is one thing, but fantasy is another. This being said, we do still get the two mixed up. It’s happened to everyone; we’ve all conjured up the thought of something that really isn’t, really is. We’ve all thrown ourselves into something without thinking of what’s really happening; and we’ve done so while living in an optimistic world, where everything goes as planned. Or maybe that was just me. The point is, we can get the two mixed up, and when that happens, you’re destined to end up in the real world, not the one you conjured up. That is, unless you get lucky. It’s when we mix the two up, when we really need to take a moment out of the mess, and observe. It is at those times when sense is of the essence; because it is at those times when you really learn to feel your way around, really learn to become, to act, to try harder.

Try harder even when your fantasy doesn’t involve work. Because in reality, there will always be work, nothing comes without sacrifice, without drive. Nothing comes without want. It is that want that drives you towards your fantasy, it is that want that becomes your fantasy and it is that fantasy, that becomes your reality, but only if you are driven. Only if you want, only if you have that fantasy in the first place, can it become real. So dream; and drive. Always.

02 February, 2006 22:23

33. J.A.R.B - Always with the endings

2006-02-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

There is, in a sense, a finish to everything, a parting of ways after every goodbye, a last sentence to this blog. You will stop reading it, and close this window. Maybe not right away, but sometime, because nothing lasts forever, even If it can. Everything has to cease at some point. No matter how dependable, that three year warranty only lasts for three years, and three years isn’t even close to forever. All plants wither away at some point in their lives. All stars get old and burst. But the thing is, with an ending, there will be a new beginning. That plant will decompose and offer rich soil for the new seed, all you have to do is plant it. The remains of that star will eventually be compressed into another brightly shining sun, for another planet, maybe one just like earth, maybe on that earth will be another race of humans, and maybe there will even be a new me, this blog could even repeat itself. But I’ll be long gone before that happens.

With destruction comes creation, when a forest fire knocks all the old trees down, the little saplings come back with the sun right over them, only to be burned down again. It’s a cycle. When you erase that mistake, you fill in the space that used to be occupied by those dead words. The Katrina Hurricane took away New Orleans, but made way for what the city is proposing as a totally new, New Orleans. A better one too, because we can learn from our mistakes. We can see what caused the demise of one thing, and make a better one. But then there will also be a better demise, because nothing lasts forever; even if it can. The end.

02 February, 2006 09:53

32. J.A.R.B - I wish

2006-02-23T16:17:00.000-08:00

This is for you, to you. This is a letter of wish, hope. I wish I could help, and because I can’t, I hope. I hope you won’t have to bear all of this weight at once, I wish I could take some off of your shoulders. I hope you never think that you’re alone, so I wish for you to know we’ll always be here. I wish this could be simple, so I hope that maybe, fate will take over. I hope that one day; you’ll see a light at the end of this tunnel. But for now, I write. I write to you, for you. In hopes that maybe you can hear me.

29 January, 2006 12:19

31. J.A.R.B - Just a smile

2006-02-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

It’s the little things that say a lot. The hellos and goodbyes, the words and the noises, and most of all, the smiles. It’s those things that can change it all. I guess what it all comes down to is just a bunch of little things. Just a pile of words make a speech, a bundle of noises makes a song. All those songs make entertainment; all those speeches make you inspired. All those smiles make a lot of happy people. All those happy people make it a happier place here on earth. So I’d just like to say thanks for smiling, you’d be amazed at what it can do.

28 January, 2006 10:00

30. J.A.R.B - The future, the next step

2006-02-23T16:13:00.000-08:00

And then comes moving on. Then comes something new, something, someplace, where you can truly fly, be you. This is when we take our experiences, and we build on them. There will be more to come, so make a good foundation. Tall things often topple. It’s at these times where speed is of the essence; they say slow and steady wins the race, but since when was that really true? Be warned though, it hurts more when you fall going fast, so pace yourself. Walk diligently through the minefield; you never know what’s underneath. You never know if it’s going to support you, or become your very demise. It is at those times when speed is of the essence, because it is at those times when you experience the most. It is then, when you’ll want to slow down and take it all in. Never miss a beat. Thump thump. Thump thump...

27 January, 2006 09:59

29. J.A.R.B - Remorse and acceptance

2006-02-23T15:50:00.000-08:00

I’ve come to see that this life we live is all about what happened. It affects everything. It affects the way we act, the way we talk, and the way we take risks. It all comes from what happened; experience. I think it’s important for us all to be able to say we’ve been there, or done that, to a certain extent. But I also think it’s important for us all to be able to accept. Remorse will only be valid for a little while, until the time comes to face the brick wall set in front of you. It’s that time, at which you need to be able to center all of those fears, all of those empty desires, and get out of that place. Leave, go somewhere new. Only then will you be able to say that you have truly been there. It’s at that time where the rush of experience comes, and you’re able to say to yourself; wow, that was something. It is then where you realize what really happened. It is then where you are set free; because with acceptance, there is closure.

26 January, 2006 14:59

28. J.A.R.B - Three Day Road

2006-02-23T15:49:00.000-08:00

- “Most are deathly afraid of pain, of prolonged suffering, even more than they are scared of death”

- “When inside the tent, the dark’s like what a womb must feel like, the air close and hot and the universe feeling endless even when you stretch up your hand and touch the roof.”

- “We never talk of home. It is too far away.”

- “He cannot speak to me yet, and so I decide, here on the river, that I will speak to him. In this way maybe his tongue will loosen some. Maybe some of the poison that courses through him might be released in this way. Words are all I have left now. I’ve lived alone so long that I realize I’m starved to talk. And so, as I paddle gently with the river, I talk to him, tell him about my life.”

25 January, 2006 13:12

27. J.A.R.B - Cheating mother nature?

2006-02-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

In today’s world, it’s hard to find something incurable by human medicine. Cancer can be cured; people who go blind will soon be able to have prosthetic retinas replacing their broken ones and feeding their brains a false sense of sight. It started me thinking, are we messing up the cycle of life? Where is evolution to go next? As soon as someone gets what would have been a fatal problem, they get a dose of pills, and don’t think anything more about it. With the latest advancements in medicine, we’ve managed to stop evolution in its tracks.

Think of it this way; evolution was a series of mistakes that made us better throughout the millions of years it took. When there was a bad mistake, or someone couldn’t fight a disease, they died, and didn’t end up reproducing kids who had the same problem. Thus, only the best would survive, and only the best would reproduce, so only the best would go on to become the next step in that species evolution. In our case, we’ve simply made more cures with our huge brains, and where do we get? Only more things to cure.

The people who have been able to get / pay for medical help are the ones who are able to survive. So, has it become; survival of the richest? Is that how we cheat Mother Nature? By buying our ways out of death? I’m not saying I want everyone with a fatal illness to just give up and keel over, I’m simply saying this. We have found a way to cheat the rules of Mother Nature. We are now able to say no, to death, we have found a way to play god, Isn’t that the greatest sin?

24 January, 2006 11:46

26. J.A.R.B - Memories and change

2006-02-23T15:47:00.001-08:00

These are the times I look back and wonder what ever happened. What happened to that great friendship, all those good times? I’m listening to “Silver Bullet” by Hawthorne Heights, and it’s bringing back some memories. And so I write. I write about the Quebec trip. Anyone else remember what was happening to us all then? I do. I remember what I was thinking; I remember what my problems were then. I remember where I was mentally, and I can see the change. All the people I know so much better now, some of the people I’ve had a bit of a falling out with. I love the changes, and I hate them. I love the fact that I know you so much better now. I hate the fact I didn’t know any better back then. But I guess it was all meant to be. Changes, then, I guess are just another one of those things. They’re unavoidable, lovely, and despicable. Some things change for the better, and some change for the worse. Occasionally there comes something or someone that you will always be able to rely on, a constant, but those are seldom found. The point is this; life will always alter itself, things will always change. It’s inevitable, beautiful. It’s what makes us all different, it’s what makes us all happy, and it’s what makes us sad. Most important, it makes you think before you speak, because you just might change something.

23 January, 2006 14:50

25. J.A.R.B - Dear diary, I have found myself...

2006-02-23T15:47:00.000-08:00

I realized, the other day, that this is me. There is no more searching to be done, no more rocks to turn over, only to find a whole bunch of pebbles. I have become the person I have been looking for. This is me. This is not you; it is purely Jake (Read). I am one to stand for myself. I am what I stand for. I stand, for what is right. I will not fail, I will only try. I will not let down, for then I would be open to attack. Because to attack, is the best way to defend. I, will not let you tell me I am wrong, when I know I am right, because that, would be wrong. I seek, and sometimes find, other times, I discover. I watch, but do not look. I listen, I do not hear. I become, I don’t change. I can speak, but I have trouble whispering. For I am loud. I know how to handle this, because I’ve seen it all before. It has been done, you know. I am one more person representing planet earth, just in case we aren’t alone. I, Jake Read, am on top of the world. I am me, I am not you, because; If I were you, I wouldn’t be me, now, would I?

23 January, 2006 14:48

24. J.A.R.B - When a hero dies

2006-02-23T15:46:00.000-08:00

When a hero dies, and there’s nothing left to stand for, where do you stand? When a hero dies, and there’s nothing left to fight for, why do you attack? When a hero looses their way, who is left to lead? When a hero dies, and this all remains unsolved, who is there to carry out these beautiful dreams? What is there to do with the bad guy; now that our savior has left? When a hero dies, and there’s nothing more to unite, where do we flee; this change destroyed home. When a hero dies, what do you do? Avenge.

19 January, 2006 15:42

23. J.A.R.B - Three Day Road

2006-02-23T15:45:00.000-08:00

Here are some more quotes from Three Day Road.

- “Me, I think it was their idle complaints, their greedy talk as they chewed their hides and tea, that put a curse on us.

- “By the time she told these stories, though, Micah’s wife had become unreliable, had become something else. At that point she was only trying to save herself.

- “As dusk settled she made her promise, whispered just loud enough for the forest to hear.”

- “But that morning the sun did rise.”

- “Elijah is the first to put words to it. ‘The world is burning’”

- “Tomorrow I’ll go into a place from which there is no turning back”

- “My eyes open to sunlight cut by diamonds of shadow. For a moment I’m not sure where or who I am. I just am.

- “But especially I will tell the elders how after a shell attack life returns to normal so fast, how one’s mind does not allow him to dwell on the horror of violent death, for it will drive him mad if he lets it.

- “I keep my head attached to my body by doing simple things that it knows to do.

- “It is just like hunting, I think. It is hunting.”

19 January, 2006 15:41

22. J.A.R.B - Rewards and Struggles

2006-02-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

I was watching "Alexander" the movie on Alexander the great a few nights ago, and I learned that all of the great Greek gods had been punished for taking glory without sacrifice. I realized, that my life has been all peaches for the last 13 years, so I wondered; am I about to get hit hard with a smack of reality? Am I about to realize that I don't know how to face anything at all? Just because I've never been through anything at all? And then I realized... I didn't know how to face anything at all. Sure there were those days every once in a while, but seeing all of my friends go through so much, and watching myself just sit there at idle, I wondered. There was so much I hadn't done, so many risks I wasn't willing to take. Maybe it was time to try more, stop avoiding and start facing my problems, the little of them I have. I decided, and vowed to myself, never to stand idly by again, never to set foot in a room and make myself unheard. I was going to do something with this spare time; I was going to write something inspirational.

18 January, 2006 21:53

21. J.A.R.B - Lies

2006-02-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

To be honest, I think lies play an important role in todays society. Here's the blog that inspired this one.

Recent studies show that people lie on average 3 times per 5 minutes of talking. Not big lies, but you know. I think that lies have become a part of our society, it always has been, it always will be. When someone asks you if you're ok, you're probably not, and yet, the most common answer is; "yeah i'm fine". Truth is, that's a lie. Now, if that answer were "no i'm not, here's what's wrong" Everyone would know exactly how you felt. Everyone would know everything. Wouldn't that be a bit akward? If I came to school tomorrow, and told everyone what I thought about them, there would be alot of akwardness, and maybe even some hurt. If you told me how you honestly felt about me, I might not like it. It could help, as honesty does that sometimes. But here's the thing. We evolved with human nature, and human nature evolved with us. It's just like selfishness. The ones who stayed back with the wounded, would die with the wounded. It's a simple aspect of humanity. We lie, we don't want the other guy to win. And there lies my point. Without lies, we would live in a corruptplace without kindness. Because, to be honest, lies are at the foundation of a kind person. If I pointed out that mustard on those badly matching pants, you wouldn't think of me as a nice person. If I told you I loved the pants, you'd like me for saying it.

When you boil it all down, what you're left with is human nature. Not a complex person, a simple instinctive pattern mapped and changed by life experiences.

07 January, 2006 21:06

20. J.A.R.B - Three Day Road

2006-02-23T15:40:00.001-08:00

I've started reading the book "Three Day Road" By Joseph Boyden. It's a story of a native who comes back from world war two, without a leg, and addicted to morphine. He recalls his experiences while on a three day trip to his homeland by canoe with his aunt. In the first 25 pages I've already found a few good quotes.

- "I've always known men aren't meant to fly"

- "The campfire hisses. I should sit closer by it, but the light hurts my eyes."

- "As I march away with the others into the night I wonder what kind of a sign that the first time I am under fire it is from my own side."

- "The rain falls harder and soon I can't tell the guns from thunder."

- "'You are acting like rabbits' He says. 'It is time to act like wolves', and these are the perfect words. I can almost hear the backs of the men around me stiffen and the hairs on their necks bristle and it is exactly this, to be the hunter and not the hunted, that will keep me alive. This law is the same law as in the bush. Turn your fear and panic into the sharp blade of survival."

05 January, 2006 17:36

19. J.A.R.B - Quotes - Few and far between

2006-02-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've just finished reading "Skybreaker"; the sequel to "Airborn" By Kenneth Oppel. There were only a few quotes i felt worth mentioning, even though they aren't exacly grand quotes. I just thought my blog needed some action... It's been rather dead lately.

- "No sense in yearning for what we can't have."
" I think that's precisly the point of life", Kate insisted

- "My heart beat hard. I wished it could telegraph me what i was meant to do. I wished it could tell me what manner of person i was."

- "We had broken the sky."

P.S - There's a new song on the FH radio.

23 December, 2005 23:25

18. J.A.R.B - Friends

2006-02-23T15:39:00.001-08:00

I was just in the car with my family, going to a family get together. Maybe it was my seat-heater... but all of a sudden, I felt a warm fuzzy feeling. One of those feelings you get when you realize just how well off you are. I realized how good my life was at that moment, recalling jokes and good times with good friends. I guess that all I really want to say is thanks, just for being to fun. Fun enough to miss after only two or three days... hahaha Kelly. See you guys soon!

23 December, 2005 09:25

17. J.A.RB - Angels and Demons - Last quote

2006-02-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

Here is the final quote from angels and demons.

- "Science may have allevated the miseries of disease and drudgury and provided an array of gadgetry for out entertainment and convenience, but it has left us in a world without wonder. Our sunsets have been reduced to wavelegths and frequencies. The complexities of the universe have been shredded into mathematical equations. Even our self worth as human beings has been destroyed. Science proclaims that Planet Earth and it's inhabitants are a meaningless speck in the grand scheme. A cosmic accedent." He Paused "Even the technolodgy that promises to unite us, divided us. Each of us is now electronically connected to the globe, and yet we feel utterly alone. We are bombarded with violence, division, fracture, and betrayal. Skepticism has become a virtue. Cynicism and demand for proof has become enlightened thought. Is it any wonder that humans now feel more depressed and defeated than they have in any point in human history? Does science hold anything sacred? Science looks for answers by probing our unborn fetuses. Science even presumes to rearrange our own DNA. IT shatters God's world into smaller and smaller peices in quest for meaning... and all it finds is more questions."

21 December, 2005 15:39

16. J.A.R.B - A Fake World?

2006-02-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking of how hard it is to prove anything these days. Pictures, video, or audio just won't cut it. It seems that there's no hard proof anymore. Programs like adobe photophop can munipulate simple photos into anything imaginable. A jury can dismiss any photo as fake. Most of those amazing pictures you find on the internet are fake, remember the picture with the shark jumping up at a helecopter rescue man? It looked so real, and yet, there are no sharks in the sanfransisco bay... It seems we're living in a fake world, where you really do have to see it to believe it. But even then your not convinced.

21 December, 2005 13:13

15. J.A.R.B - Angels and Demons - Many quotes

2006-02-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

- "'We all benifiet from a sense contact with the divinity... Even if it's only imagined.'

Vittoria, as a scientist, could not argue with the logic. She had read countless studies of the placebo effect - asprins curing cancer in people who believed they were using a miracle drug. What was faith, after all?"

- "Precision can be suffocating"

- "The message. This was the leap of faith vittoria was still struggling to accept. Had god acctually communicated with the camerlengo? Vittoria's gut said no, and yet her's what the science of entanglement physics - the study of interconnectedness. She witnessed miraculous communications every day - twin sea-turtle eggs separated and placed in labs thousands of miles apart hatching at the same instant .... acres of jellyfish pulsating in perfect rythm as if one single mind. There are secret lines of communication everywhere, she thought."

- "Leonardo de Vetra had looked up from his meditations with a patient smile. "My daughter the skeptic. So you don't believe God speaks to man? Let me put it in your language" He took a model of a human brain down from a shelf and set it infront of her. "As you probably know, Vittoria, human beings normally use a ver small percentage of their brain power. However, if you put them in emotionally charged situations - like physical trauma, extreme joy or fear, deep meditaion, - all of a sudden their neurons start firing like crazy, resulting in massively enhanced mental clarity.

"So what?" Vittoria said "Just because you think clearly doesn't mean you talk to god."

"Aha!" Vetra exclamed "And yet remarkable solutions to seemingly impossible problems often occur in these moments of clarity. It's what guru's call higher conciousness. Bioligists call it altered states. Psychologists call it super - sentience." He paused "Chistians call it answered prayer." Smiling broadly, he added, "Sometimes, divine revelation simply means adjusting your brain to hear what your heart already knew."

- More qoutes to come.

17 December, 2005 12:56

14. J.A.R.B - "Love"

2006-02-23T15:36:00.000-08:00

Maybe you want to know what love is. Maybe, you already do... Or is that just another "-ilu"? Maybe it is, but maybe you mean it this time. Could it be real? Could you be coming face to face with love? Probably not, might I remind you, some people might think I still consider that girls have cooties.

It gets to me though, I think that that simple "ilu" has pressured so many into thinking that they need it. As if it's a shield from the constant pessure. It has molded the term "Love" into just another cliche, one that we're exposed to everyday now. We've managed to turn the apity of happieness into an abriviation.

I'm not asking anyone to try to change this. I guess there's really no way to say it otherwise. But I would just like to point out that the word "love" has become so common, it doesn't mean what it used to.

16 December, 2005 08:24

13. J.A.R.B - Angels and Demons - Antimatter

2006-02-23T15:35:00.000-08:00

"Terrorism," the professor had lectured, "has a singular goal. What is it?"
"Killing innocent people?" a student ventured.
"Incorrect. Death is only a byproduct of terrorism."
"A show of strength?"
"No. A weaker persuasion does not exist."
"To cause terror?"
"Consisely put. quite simply, the goal of terrorism is to create terror and fear. Fear undermines faith in the establishment. It weakens the enemy from within... causing unrest in the masses. Write this down. Terrorism is not an expresion of rage. Terrorism is a political weapon. Remove a governments facade of infalibility, and you remove it's peoples faith"

10 December, 2005 22:08

12. J.A.R.B - FH Radio

2006-02-23T15:34:00.000-08:00

As Mr. G. said on The Language Blog, We now have an online .mp3 player. Alot of Lost Concept's band songs will be up there soon, so you can all listen to some good music. David plays lead guitar, I play drums, Evan plays the bass, and Alex sings and plays the guitar. One song is there already, It's called "Snap like twigs". I'll make note of any new songs uploaded when they get there, but for now, there's only that one, and a few samples from Mr. G.

07 December, 2005 17:31

11. J.A.R.B - What if?

2006-02-23T15:33:00.000-08:00

What if? What if an opportunity presented itself? What if you weren't such a hero anymore? What if, all of a sudden, you had something to lose? What would you do? Would you risk it all? Would you put 5 up against 11? Would you take that chance? Or would you walk away? Would you walk away, thinking... What if?

05 December, 2005 11:23

10. J.A.R.B - Angels and Demons - Antimatter

2006-02-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

The substance Antimatter is the newest thing in physics these days. Recently, it has been created for the first time on earth in the worlds largest scientific research facility. That facility being Switzerlands's Conseil Europeen pour la Recherche Nucleaire. (C.E.R.N)

Antimatter is an astounding substance - it is the exact same as matter, but is composed of particles who's charges are opposite of regular matter. It is the most powerful substance on the planet. It releases energy without any loss - 100% efficiency. Amazing, when half of a car's power is lost from the drivetrain to the wheels (50% efficiency). A quarter of a gram has the power of a bomb with the blast radius of half a mile.

The problem is this - Antimatter is the most unstable substance aswell as the most powerful. If it comes in contact with anything - even air, it will explode. Releasing all of it's energy in one blast.

The biggest downside of it though, is that if it were to get into the wrong hands, it could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. Could these scientists at C.E.R.N be working towards a new kind of terrorism? Or saving the 6 billion people on the earth who are destroying our own planet?

03 December, 2005 14:46

9. J.A.R.B - quotes from "Angels and Demons"

2006-02-23T15:28:00.001-08:00

Religion - Pg. 110, Vittoria
"Religion is like languag or dress. We gravitate towards the practices with which we were raised. In the end, though, we are all proclaming the same thing. That life has meaning. That we are gatefull for the power that created us."

Illuminati and money - Pg. 111, Langdon
"If you don't mind me asking, Robert, how did you get involved with the Illuminati?"
Langdon thought back. "Acctually, it was money."
Vittoria looked dissapointed. "Money? Consulting, you mean?"
Langdon lauged, realizing how it must have sounded. "No. Money as in currency." He reached in his pants pocket and found a one-dollar bill. "I became facinated with the cult when i first learned that U.S. currency is covered with Illuminati symbology"
Vittoria's eyes narrowed, apparently not knowing whether or not to take him seriosly.
Langdon handed her the bill. "Look at the back. See the great seal on the left?"
Vittoria turned the one dollar bill over. "You mean the pyramid?"
"The pyramid. Do you know what pyramids have to do with U.S history?"
Vittoria shruged
"Exactly," Langdon said. "Absoloutly nothing"
Vittoria frowned. "So why is it the central symbol of your great seal?"
"An eerie bit of history," Langdon said. "The pyramid is an occult symbol representing a convergence upward, toward the ultimate source of Illumination. See what's above it?"
Vittoria studied the bill. "An eye inside a triange."
"It's called the trinacria. Have you ever seen that eye inside the triangle anywhere else? It's emblazoned on Masonic [Another cult the Illuminati was involved with] lodges around the world."
"The symbol is masonic?"
"Acctually, no, it's Illuminati.They called it their 'shining delta'. A call for enlightened change [The Illuminati was a cult of scientists that commited crimes against religion, their goal was to "Illuminate" the world. Teach science in the masses (this was in the 16-1800's, when religion squandered all things science)] The eye signifies the Illuminatis ability to infiltrate and watch all things. The shining triangle represents enlightenment. And the triangle is also the greek letter delta, which is the mathematical symbol for-"
"Change, transition."
Langdon smiled, "I forgot I was talking to a scientist."
"So your saying the U.S great seal is a call for an all-seeing, enlightened change?"
"Some would call it a new world order."
"The writing under the pyramid says Novus... ordo.."
"Novus Ordo Seclorum" Langdon said, "It means new secular order"
"Secular as in non-religios?"
"Nonreligios. The phrase not only clearly states the Illuminati objective, but also blatantly contradicts the phrase beside it. In God We Trust."

01 December, 2005 10:30

9. J.A.R.B - quotes from "Angels and Demons"

2006-02-23T15:28:00.000-08:00

01 December, 2005 10:30

8. J.A.R.B - Raise your sword

2006-02-23T15:19:00.000-08:00

Raise your sword high.
Let out, let in.
Let fly.
To all the days you ever doubted yourself,
All the ones who said no, you can't.
But you could.
All the people who decided they were better than you.

Avenge.
Avenge the wrongs,
Every single one.

Set your mind to setting it free.
Set your mind, to letting it be.

Outside of your cage, the world comes at you fast,
So be sure to watch closely,
You might not last.
Focus
For you might just miss the best part.
Focus
So as not to loose your spot on the chart.

And always remember.
To let fly.
Raise your sword,
Forever high.

30 November, 2005 17:04

7. J.A.R.B - Unity theory

2006-02-23T15:17:00.001-08:00

I’m reading angels and demons, and I found a few things interesting. Anyone who has read it will know what I’m talking about, but it won’t spoil the plot for people who haven’t read the book.

A scientist in the book, who’s name is Dr Leonardo Vetra, is studying something he calls “unity theory” his goal is to prove that science and religion are simply two different ways to the same answer. His unity theory is his theory that all things are united. It’s obviously fiction, but the book states that he had found a way to prove that the molecules in one body are connected with the particles in another body… He also proved that creation happened the same way science, and religion says. He proved the theory of “the big bang” (that the entire universe emerged from a single point). Religion had argued against it, because of one flaw: the singularity. The singularity was the single point from which all things came. Dr. Vetra re-created this big bang. He “smashed two particles into one another, getting one particle of pure energy. There were then many particles that were appearing out of nowhere while the singularity expanded. He therefore proved that everything could have come from a single point of energy: god. Imagine the scientific revolution that would happen if this were to become true.

The battle between religion and science has always been a big one, it’s the reason half of America's schools don’t teach evolution. Science has been backtracked a lot by religion, and I think we would be much better off if both sides were to just leave it, and continue doing what they do. The world could be a much better place if opposing sides like this could simply agree to disagree. Science could be way ahead, and there might just be more believers.

30 November, 2005 17:02

6. J.A.R.B - The one that fell

2006-02-23T15:17:00.000-08:00

The one that fell.
Spread its wings,
Flew.

Never even knew of the ability,
The right. To fly.
Until he needed to.

Alone in the air – he was at home.
It was what this mystic creature was made, born for.
The first time he hit the ground.
The second time, there was no going back -
The air was now his only destination.
He lived – not only in… but for that vast expanse,
That gleaming open beauty.
Where there are no,
Limits.

As he joined the pack I looked on.
I saw him take over, I saw him leading.
I saw,
A miracle.